The one that contains a lot of swearing

What is it about infertility that makes people think they have the right or that it's acceptable to say the things they do?

Scenario: On the phone to my mother, talking about how much doctors and specialists cost. Mention how much we pay each time I get to have the thrill of a whatsit up my whatsit, and how much IVF costs.

Her comment: Why dont you just let nature take its course? Just because you're 36 doesnt mean you cant get pregnant. Betty had her child at 40. If its meant to happen it will happen.

Hmmm lets see. I would have thought it was pretty fucking obvious by now that nature's course was not going to get and keep me pregnant. I would also have thought it was pretty fucking obvious that the less time we have to go through this hell the better. But no, I should just keep on going through this and hoping and grieving every single month until...when? Menopause?

Lets not treat a recognised medical problem. Lets just ignore it and hope that it will go away because for about 0.000001% of people it does. Lets not recognise the innate biological drive to have a child and the power that this has over people. Lets just say its up to God as to whether we're meant to have kids or not.

Jesusfuckingchrist. Why doesnt SHE stop taking her blood pressure medication and let nature take its course???????????

You wouldnt say to someone with cancer "If its meant to happen it will happen." Oooh, sorry you're dying of Leukemia. Just let nature take its course. If you're meant to live, you'll live.

Fuck off you fucking fuck.

I'd like to thank the Academy

But most of all, I'd like to thank the Vodka.

Nerd points go UP!

Having just completed this survey over at MIT, I feel I've gained at least 10 extra nerd points!

Go on. Help them out. They're super nerds. They need all the help they can get.

Life support

The journey I'm on now (if "journey" is an appropriate thing to call it - "large steaming pile of poo" seems more appropriate) has changed so much as to be completely unrecognisable from that which I started. Not surprisingly, the support that I need to get through this has changed along with it.

At first, I was just excited about trying for our first child. We even announced it to some of our friends (I'm sure they appreciated knowing we were now having unprotected sex). We were so excited to have conceived after 5months we told practically everyone, only to be devastated a few weeks later when we lost the pregnancy. No-one knew what to say to us, or indeed IF to say anything to us. When I realised that I was actually infertile, I went looking for like-minded souls who could help me understand what the hell was going on and put some things into perspective.

I turned to the infertility forums. Here were women who got it. Who I didn't have to explain WHY I was going insane or why I felt a particular way. They'd been there and knew. I had found my people. I introduced myself as ttc 14mo, 1pg m/c 6wks, pco, endo, CD5. and they all knew what it meant. None of my "real" friends would have a clue. Hell, alot of doctors wouldnt have a clue.

I found a huge amount of support, large sprinkles of babydust (yes, I know, I've been guilty myself), advice and positive energy. But as time goes on, I find that I resent that level of positivity.

I dont want babydust sprinkles anymore (its kinda gross if you think about it - where are they getting the babies from?), I dont want wishes for a BFP for this month. As previously mentioned, I dont want to hear about anyone else's BFP. That kinda leaves me out of the babydust gang.

So what do I want? Not to be left alone exactly. If I wanted that I wouldnt be posting these thoughts for the entire world to read (who am I kidding - for all three of you to read). And I wouldn't still be posting to those forums. (Forums? I think its actually fora.)

I dont know. Positivity is pissing me off. How fucked is that?

Can I take a break from life please?

There's a whole lot of stuff in my head right now which I seem to have a lot of trouble getting out, possibly because there is a whole lot of other stuff in my head thanks to the Bronchitis, which has now turned into an ear infection.

Actually, I think I'm overwhelmed with everything that is happening. I'm now in the position of having to parent my parents, one of whom has no idea why he needs parenting and the other who will live in denial about needing any help until she has no idea why she needs parenting. I think it would have been nice to get some parenting practice in on my own kids first. Somehow I dont think that raising the kitties gives me much advice on how to deal with recalcitrant olds.

Having to think about looking after my folks, deal with a new infertility regime which at this stage is completely unknown, deal with me being sick, deal with the Monkey being sick (thanks to me), deal with having absolutely no money until our superannuation funds pay out, deal with having to go to Dirt School whilst being sick and exhausted and worried and stressed...its all too much.

Monkey Boy wants a rock to crawl under for a while. I'd be happy with a doona and some macaroni cheese and Dr Phil (on the teev, not under the doona with me.)

Nerdlinger

Having spent ALL DAY on the 'puter (much to the chagrin of the Monkey, no doubt) I have some cool new stuff on this 'ere blog. Tis chock full o' add-on-ly goodness.

So off you go. Have a look. Click at stuff randomly. Take my new Panda Wants To Know Poll. Take the Nerd Poll.

After having taken the Nerd Poll myself, Monkey Boy obviously had to prove he was a bigger nerd than I. Was this ever in doubt?

The results are in. No correspondence will be entered into. His nerd status is:

"All hail the monstrous nerd. You are by far the SUPREME NERD GOD!!!"

Cha! Like we didnt know. He actually has a favourite brand of calculator, people!!!

And here's something I found at Bobim's. Just a few subtle hints for those who have to deal with me in person can be found here...

Chicken Kitty...or Chickitty

Being the Leo and Rooster and Number 1 that I am, I like attention.

I do not like it when I don't get any.

If there really are only 8 people out there reading this, I shall fall into a deep deep depression and never recover. Do you want that on your hands?

Well?? Do you??

Of course not.

So PUT YOURSELF ON MY GUEST MAP!

Slurry - I know you're reading this so put yourself on the map ya MOLE!

News just in:

With the advent of modern technology (and hours of me dicking around on the 'puter) you can now SIGN MY GUESTBOOK!

Crisis Over. Getting tough with the olds about to begin...

I just wanted to say a big thankyou to all of you for your thoughts and prayers, and those of you who sent email or left comments or kept a lookout in your travels or sent good vibes out to the universe.

Dad was found by the cops after 24 hours. We have no real idea of what happened except that he called the Automobile Association out in the northern suburbs, miles from home, some time yesterday and they towed him to a garage near his home and contacted the police. Seems he put diesel in the car instead of petrol, which is lucky because he probably would have kept driving up the main road and across the state if he hadnt.

Dad doesnt know what all the fuss is about because he thinks he spent last night in his own bed.

So, we're all very very relieved that he's not in a gully in the hills somewhere, and obviously he's not getting the keys to his car back. He doesnt understand why, of course. And he will now get the assessment I've been pushing for for the last two years.

I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally. I mean, I freak out if one of my kitties goes missing.

I cannot believe how far the message travelled across the net yesterday. People emailed work colleagues, family friends, friends in our state from interstate. I think I managed to reach more people with a couple of well-placed messages than the news broadcast would have. Rockin.

I "heart" the internet!

Just to cap of my fabulous week in an even more fabulous way, I have another fanny probe today. Woohoo.

I must stop wearing that sign that says KICK ME - I'M DOWN ALREADY

Yes, just when you think things couldnt get any worse, your dementia-suffering father goes missing.

The police are releasing a media statement to be broadcast tonight. They're starting a helicopter search of the hills soon. A check of the security video footage of the hardware store he was supposed to go to shows he did not go there at all. His car has not been found. He has not rung for roadside assistance. There have been no car accidents.

We have no idea where he is or what has happened to him.

At this point, I am very scared for his safety. It was freezing last night. He could be wandering around anywhere and have no idea what he's doing. He could get hypothermia. He could have had a stroke, or a heart attack. He could be taken advantage of by unscrupulous people who want his cash, or his car.

I feel so bloody useless. There was more I could do when my cat went missing than there is now.

And more than that, I feel guilty for not taking him to the doctor to get him proper treatment and have his license revoked myself.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?

------------------------------------------------------------

******this post has been edited to stop the crazies finding us**********

------------------------------------------------------------

My dad has been missing since 2pm yesterday afternoon.

He is 89 years old and he has dementia.

I'm posting this picture in the hope that anyone who may be in ************* who reads this blog will have seen him. If you have, please contact the police.

Another day...another medical bill

Squirmalerm-web
Originally uploaded by sparklepanda.

But this time not for me...for my cat. Squirmy has one ulcerated eye and one with a melanoma. Thanks kitty.

Its not enough that we're putting Dr Clomid's kids through uni. The Vet's offspring need subsidising too.

Prognosis: she'll be fine and we'll be poor.

Randomly generated randomness

Firstly, thanks to those of you for pinning yourself on my GUESTMAP. Now I know where Wisconsin is (even if I can't spell it). Whitby, I dont mind that you aren't a complete stranger, which you may have been able to gather from the fact that I SENT YOU AN INVITATION to come visit my blog. Thanks for the props, and feel free to use anything that may be show-worthy. If it gets laughs, you owe me a Cosmopolitain. (the drink, not the crap mag.)

Secondly, I am the spawn of the devil. After my early morning hormone-induced diatribe against the Graduates yesterday, I surfed over to Bugsy today to discover that she is losing her baby. Not that I think I control the universe or anything, but boy do I feel like the biggest pile of poopy poo in the world for what I said. As Tim Costello said at a public lecture I went to recently, "cynical people suck all the compassion out of the world."

I will be less cynical, I will be less cynical, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean....

Thirdly, all booked up with Barren Women R Us Clinic (BWRU) for a semen analysis (that one is for Monkey Boy), day 3-5 blood tests which, lo and behold, will be done on the CORRECT DAY and another fanny* probe. I sweet-talked the booking guy into an appointment time for an immunobead test for the Monkey, even though we dont yet have the referral letter for one. I guess it must have been all the noises I was making about wanting to save him having to go through the "depositing" process again. hehehe. You want me on your side, trust me!

Mmmm...still sick. More concerned about mucus that doesn't come from my cervix at the moment. Nice change.

* for our American friends, a fanny is not your butt. Its your cooter.

And some other third thing....

Thanks to Mollywogger, for making the grey skies clear up with her post of Simpsons references. I thought Monkey Boy and I were the only ones who found "Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! " the single most hilarious sentence in the English language.

Pin the Rabbit on the Globe

Go over there ------->

See that flashing thingy that says View My Guestmap?

Click on it. Put yourself on the map. Leave me a comment about how great my blog is and how you await with antici-pation my next utterances.

Or not.

At least say hi.

But I'm also pretty cool, so don't hate me just yet....

So to woo back those of you who have now decided I am the spawn of the devil, here's my Top Ten list of Cool Things You Never Knew About Me:

1. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.

2. I ran 100m in 12pointsomething seconds when I was in Grade 7 and yet I wasnt encouoraged/allowed to join an athletics club.

3. I left school when I was 14.

4. I went back to school when I was 21, starting with Year 10 science & math and finished high school 6 years later with an almost perfect score.

5. My grandmother came to Australia when she was 70, ran a boarding house, smoked on the sly, drank sherry when she thought no-one was looking, bet on the horses, kept dozens of stray cats, was almost blind and turned off her hearing aid if she didn't like what you were saying. She lived alone until 2 days before she died at 93. She's my hero and I want to be just like her when I grow up.

6. My first choice of tertiary study was Horticulture but I got suckered into Philosophy, Politics and Classics at Uni.

7. I was brought up in the Assemblies of God church from the age of 8 to 15.

8. I was on the game show Sale Of The Century and was an extra on the soapie McLeods Daughters. I'm heaps famous!

9. I had my first cigarette when I was 28. I gave up the day Adam proposed (9 days after my 33rd birthday).

10. My natural hair colour is Auburn.

Yes, that's right. I'm a bitch.

It's 5.13am. I have Bronchitis. It's allegedly going to snow today. And I cant sleep.

Stupid dreams. Clearly, I watch Big Brother too much.

So, I'm lying there, right, and naturally I think about blogging. I mean, what else do I have in my sad life? (please hear the sarcasm)

I thought about women on other blogs I have read, or women I know from various infertility forums who thought themselves too cool for this infertility game and got themselves up the duff. The nerve! Now, this kinda goes back to my previous whinge but I'm gonna repeat myself anyway.

I find myself reading these blogs of graduates of the Miss Mouldy School for the Reproductively Challenged and, while not hating them as such and PLEASE believe me when I say not wishing them any sadness or pain or anything at all to go wrong, I sit there thinking "Yeh, you're pregnant - for now!"

What a cow. What a horrible heartless bitch.

I wish I could go back to the me that existed before the miscarriage. The me that was completely naiive about infertility and loss and chemical pregnancies and non-doubling HCG numbers and...all the rest. The me that thought 5 months was a long time to be trying. The me that actually believed that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant, and miscarriages were things that happened to those other poor unfortunate women who weren't meant to have babies.

The thing is, I cant go back. The 'veil of ignorance' has been lifted and I know damn well how nervous those new graduates are about their buns in their respective ovens, and how easily it can all turn pear-shaped. How it can turn pear-shaped just when you think you're about to cross the finish line too.

The chicks on the infertility boards (god love 'em all) - and I guess I have included myself in this - focus on getting that elusive Big Fat Positive. Nobody much mentions the trauma that comes along with that second pink line. Its the elephant in the corner.

So in a round about way I guess I'm saying that I dont want to read the Graduate's blogs, not because I'm an insanely jealous cow who would steal their baby at the first opportunity*, but because I dont want to read about it when it goes pear-shaped. I dont want to be confronted with that. Not by it happening to me or anyone else.

I am just as selfish as those awful Fertile people who dont know what to say to me, and dont want to know about a miscarriage thankyou very much. Only most of them still have the blinkers on. Mine were surgically removed.



*Though this might be true...

What was that I was saying about my immune system?

Despite my best efforts at ignoring it, Man Cold has turned into Bronchitis. This, on top of period cramps.

Well, since I have a textbook normal cycle this month, I say "See you in hell, Clomid!"

Good things that have happened today:

1. My period turned up.*

2. We discovered our superannuation details and found out we can have it all released under compassionate/medical/completely povvo grounds. So at least its no longer a choice between paying the mortgage and paying the specialist.

3. My wonderful husband was given a book voucher as a thankyou for his volunteer work at a High School last week and went out today and bought me the two Jane Austens I didnt have in my collection.

4. I rang up our current specialist (Dr. Clomid) and said I wanted copies of all our test results posted out to me as I was seeing a RI next week. Also informed them I would not be going back on the Clomid. Receptionarian chick rings back and says: Is it okay if we just get the RI to download them from Gribbles directly because there's so many here?" "NO!" Says I. "I actually want a hard copy for our records too." So there. Mission accomplished.

Confusticating thing: the HCG test I had done last month read "less than 1.5".

Shouldn't it be zero if I'm not pregnant? Surely less than 1.5 actually means "a little bit pregnant"?

I will now take myself, my snuffles and my two new books, and go to bed.


*In the scheme of things. It not turning up because I'm pregnant is what we're aiming for after all.

And another thing...

Not having the ability to use any device made later than 1955, my mother did not have the good fortune of having read my Top Ten Platitudes list prior to our phone conversation last night. Therefore, I will not hold her inane comments and unbelievable insensitivity entirely against her.

Nevertheless, get this: I'm apparently NOT INFERTILE, it just HASNT HAPPENED YET.

In addition, which I wish I had realised sooner, there's NO POINT in getting WORKED UP about it because it wont happen if you dont RELAX. I must also keep in mind that my cousins adopted their son because they were told they couldnt have children and then they had a daughter...so obviously it can happen once you've given up all hope.

Thankfully, the solution to my problem has now been found, as she is putting me on her prayer chain.

Save me Jeebus!

Yes, obviously its all my fault because I'm impatient/worry too much/dont relax enough/still have hope/dont pray to the right imaginary dude.

It didnt seem the right time to ask her to float us a loan to fund the next round of specialists.

Splutter, cough, splutter

As if its not bad enough having my brain explode this week, I am now sick. Sore throat, sore sinuses, sore ears, cough, aches, increased desire to whinge...

Yes, I have Man Cold: the cold you have when you're not really that sick, but you think you're going to die.

And as an added bonus, just for being so cool and all, I have period cramping. No point in testing today after all - the witch is on her way.

The only good thing about that is that it means that I have managed to achieve a completely normal unmedicated cycle. Yay me.

Under the circumstances, thats the second best thing that could have happened this month.

P.S. in BigW the other day I had this strange desire to by wool and start knitting baby stuff. I haven't knitted baby stuff since primary school when I made our neighbour some very dodgy but well-meant booties. Have I now completely lost the plot????

F**kity f**kity f**k!!!!!

I thought better of posting yesterday. I saved that mad rant for my forum buddies. Sorry girls!

Well , I believe that knowledge is power, but sometimes a little information can be a dangerous thing. Yesterday it turned me into a shaking, on-the-verge-of-tears wreck.

In addition to my medical history I recalled the fact that I was exposed to the organochlorine chemical Aldrin when I was 16 and our house was treated for termites. At the same time I was in the UK having my first dose of IMMUNO-SUPPRESSANTS!

You do a search for Aldrin and infertility and see what horrors you come up with...

Immunosuppression, strong evidence that exposure in utero can cause irreversible damage to reproductive, neurological and immune systems. Adolescents at puberty are especially vulnerable (hello!) as it disrupts the endocrine system. Leads to impaired immune function (Hi!), infertility and endometriosis (Hi!), recurrent miscarriage (one's enough for me thanks), retardation of fetal growth, birth defects, increased infant mortality, depression (Hi!), anxiety (Hi there), auto-immune diseases (hello!)

I sat there reading a chronicle of my health problems on page after page, on the verge of tears, and can only come to two conclusions

1. The organochlorine fucked up my immune system
2. My immune system being fucked up means I'm infertile.

It makes me feel absolutely sick.

So I point this all out to my gp, who pretty much glossed over my concerns but at least she asked me what I wanted to do about it. I asked for a referral to the Reproductive Immunologist who was recommended to me. I managed to get an appointment with him for the 28th of this month.

We ALSO have an appointment at Repromed (big infertility clinic) on July 5. We shall compare the two and see who we think will give us the best care.

I refuse to go back on the Clomid. The nurse I spoke to at Repromed said that the tests I had done back in February were done on the wrong day so they are useless from a diagnosis and treatment perspective. Oh. Great. So I've been given treatment based on incorrect information. Just bloody wonderful. How fucking old do I have to be before the medicos start to think that maybe they should stop wasting my bloody time???????

Pissed off to the max x 10-to-the-minus-1-plus-infinity.

I have everything crossed that the RI will get things rolling the way they should have been from the start.

Otherwise, I will not be held responsible for my actions. Well, not legally anyway.

The Return of Super-Ovulatrix

Just got the progesterone test back. Can she ovulate on her own???

Drum roll please....

Why yes, yes she can. 88.1 Woohooo! How d'ya like them apples?

It only needs to be over 10/15/30 (depends who you talk to) to have ovulated. Crikey, it was only 72 on the Clomid last month.

I so totally rock.

I am the Super-Ovulatrix once more!

Fear my ovarian wrath!

The gp had better fear it tomorrow.

Just like a jigsaw puzzle...

I love the internet!

I've just spent 3 hours online to research the relationship between the immune system and infertility, and I'm convinced I've found our problem.

Too many pieces fit together, and reading some of the articles was like reading a description of me and my medical profile. Hmmm.....auto-immune disorder, seratonin issues, increased PMS symptoms, increased tendency to panic attacks, pregnancy loss, unexplained infertility, endometriosis...

Need I go on?

And the most startling thing to me was that the treatment for some of these issues was to take an immuno-suppressant called Predisone.

Which I took in large doses from the age of 16 to deal with severe asthma attacks.

Lets see...take an immuno-suppressant at puberty in large doses, already have a genetic predisposition to immune-related disease, be diagnosed with an auto-immune disease 4 years later, develop ovarian cysts and endometriosis(immuno-dependant) WHILE TAKING THE BCP THAT IS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT THEM, develop severe PMS, get pregnant and have a miscarriage at 6 weeks, be unable to conceive following miscarriage.

The Fundamental Interconnectedness Of All Things kinda points to one conclusion, does it not???

We have an appointment with our (secondary) GP tomorrow. A referral to a Reproductive Endocrinologist will be insisted upon. I will even threaten and cry and mention I have PMDD which will reduce a murder charge if I have to!

I'm hormonal! Dont fuck with me!

Paranoid ramblings in the 1WW

The Monkey asked me the other night if there was anything I wanted to talk about regarding TTC and then he said "Or should I just get online and read the blog?" Smartass.

Yeh, get online, I'm not repeating myself.

I have the day21 progesterone test today, and I've started getting paranoid that I havent actually O'd at all blah blah blah. Really, I think my brain deliberately sets out to find stuff to worry about.

Yesterday I started getting really strong stabbing pain over my left ovary and given that it was 8DPO I jump to the conclusion that since its bang on implantation time I actually have an ectopic... Its still there but not as bad as last night. Maybe if I went to the bathroom...?

I just feel like I know that there is something wrong that taking a few tablets isnt going to fix and we're just wasting precious time messing around with the Clomid. The longer it takes to find out what the real problem is the older I'm getting and the higher the threshold on the Medicare Safety Net goes until either we cant afford treatment or I'm too old to bother anyway.

Oh yes, I'm cheery today!

Can you tell I'm in the 1WW???


AND ANOTHER THING....

Did anyone watch the Today show yesterday? They had a segment on home medical tests and featured the Maybe Baby ovulation predictor kit. Their "medical expert" was talking about how they can be great for helping to pinpoint a woman's most fertile time, but they were a real trap because you could become really dependant on them and start to become obsessed. Personally I think if you've got to the point in TTC where you need an OPK, you're already obsessed.

See - even the medicos dont get it.

Snuh I say.

Lets do the Time Warp again

It seems to me that I am stuck in some sort of warp of the time-space continuum. I'm fairly certain that a week used to be only a week long, but this week has lasted about a month.

It was like when I went to that lovely English sea-side town of Morecambe. Spent a month there one weekend.

I'm already starting to get antsy about testing, but in reality, there probably hasnt even been any implantation yet. If there will be any, that is. I'm definately not feeling hopeful. What a change.

Although, it did occur to me this morning about what the bloody problem could be.

If you look at my overall health, I have: asthma, allergies, chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis and polycystic ovaries.

What do all these things have in common? A buggered immune system.

What can cause miscarriage? A buggered immune system.

What can cause infertility? Sing along with me kids...

Why havent I been tested for immunological factors in all the battery of tests I've had to go through so far?

This and other questions will be lobbed at my gynie next time I see him.

Hate hate hate the two-week wait

Hmmm...nothing to report except there is nothing to report. If implantation is going to occur it will be in the next day or two so I am willing it to happen at the moment. After all, back in February I made a toast to it always being 25 degrees with no rain, and thats come true! (Apologies to farmers everywhere...)

So here's to a June bug. Sorry, here's to a June 2005 bug.

Best to be specific about these things!

This sushi is making me ferny...

I have definately discovered the downside the using the Maybe Baby this month.

Any food that you eat with oestrogen in it, be it artificially added to animals or plant oestrogen as in soy products, totally messes with the results the next day. Stupid sushi.

The thing about the sushi was the soy sauce. Certainly anything that contains soy products will have phyto-oestrogens in it. I think linseed does too, so maybe some grain breads could give a false fern reading.

I seem to be particularly sensitive to oestrogen. I'm Hormone-Girl. Fear my oestrogenic wrath!

Hmmm..... says she tucking into more sushi....

Babies babies everywhere...

I wish I would stop seeing babies EVERYWHERE.

Goddam - tv shows, ads, magazines, next door, in the markets, GRRRRRR.

I guess its possible they have always been there but I was never as tuned in to them before. Like when I bought my first car. All of a sudden there were Sigma's everywhere on the roads.

I have to battle my way through that mecca for babies and pregnant women - the Central Market. At least I'm not in that teary stage of the cycle! (that'll come next fortnight.)

The countdown begins

I've been doing the good ole ESN. Had 100% fernulence on the Maybe Baby yesterday so I take it that I have definately managed to ovulate all on my very own! And I actually managed to produce EWCM! Woohoo! Its the little things that get me excited these days...

So having done all I can do (including hurting my back by having my butt in the air for 45 minutes to make sure the little buggers stay up there) it's down to the waiting waiting waiting.

I gotta say, I feel more upbeat than I have in a while actually. Its probably because i'm not messing with my pituitary gland this month! It is amazing how much I can react to a small dose of Clomid. Thank God I dont have to go the full 150mg!

I've actually managed to keep busy this week with study, and next week Adam starts his uni holidays for 6 WEEKS! I can put him to work on the renovations! Its something positive to look forward to which is helping a lot at the moment. Plus, Adam is really happy doing his teaching placements, so there is generally less stress in the household. Gotta be happy about that!

You've gotta figure that with 97million of the little buggers, and some decent EWCM this month, one of them will get up there and make friends:

"Hi there. Come here often? Wanna go halves in a baby?"

Ahhh. Comedy Gold!