Non-Alcoholic

When I was in hospital for alcohol withdrawal, I was put on a drug called Campral.  This is supposed to stop all craving for alcohol and assist greatly in creating permanent abstinance, if taken for 2 years.

For the first few months I think it helped greatly. Over Christmas I thought more about drinking than at any other time since I quit. Wine and beer were everywhere.  I got through that, without much suffering at all, and I have had no desire to drink whatsoever.

So I gave up the Campral.  Part of the reason was that I hated having to be on a medication regime that included nineteen tablets a day (Campral alone was 6 a day).  The other was that I needed to know if I could do this on my own.

And you know what?  I can.  A whole month and not one desire to drink.

I haven't gone to AA because I reject totally the notion of giving myself over to a higher power.  I am the higher power. I am responsible for what I do or what I do not do.  If I am going to beat this, then I must do it. I must do it. Not a higher power. Not medications to change my brain even more.

So I'm doing it.

How about that?

The Fat Controller

zyprexa, as it is wont to do, had me put on 20 kilos in a few short months. After a week without it I have already lost the ravenous appetite that lead me to eat cream straight from the tub, and consequently I have lost my first kilo.

With it, I have regained that voice that says "you dont need to eat. ignore the hunger pangs. have another cup of tea."

That voice was quashed so very well by the zyprexa. As I piled on the kilos, it frightened me that I couldnt get that voice back, that I no longer had the ability to control my eating. Now, I am frightened that it has come back so quickly and so loud.

During this titration period with lamotrigine I have lost control of my mind so I guess it isn't surprising that my old friend Eating Disorder has come back, trying to controlling the one thing that is left.  At least I have the weight to lose this time.

So I sit here this morning, hungry. Nearing a blood sugar crash. And I allow myself one grape from our vine. That and another cup of tea will tide me over until dinner tonight.

The control freak is out of control again. I am at a loss as to how to stop.