Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Yes, that's right. I'm a bitch.

It's 5.13am. I have Bronchitis. It's allegedly going to snow today. And I cant sleep.

Stupid dreams. Clearly, I watch Big Brother too much.

So, I'm lying there, right, and naturally I think about blogging. I mean, what else do I have in my sad life? (please hear the sarcasm)

I thought about women on other blogs I have read, or women I know from various infertility forums who thought themselves too cool for this infertility game and got themselves up the duff. The nerve! Now, this kinda goes back to my previous whinge but I'm gonna repeat myself anyway.

I find myself reading these blogs of graduates of the Miss Mouldy School for the Reproductively Challenged and, while not hating them as such and PLEASE believe me when I say not wishing them any sadness or pain or anything at all to go wrong, I sit there thinking "Yeh, you're pregnant - for now!"

What a cow. What a horrible heartless bitch.

I wish I could go back to the me that existed before the miscarriage. The me that was completely naiive about infertility and loss and chemical pregnancies and non-doubling HCG numbers and...all the rest. The me that thought 5 months was a long time to be trying. The me that actually believed that once you were pregnant you stayed pregnant, and miscarriages were things that happened to those other poor unfortunate women who weren't meant to have babies.

The thing is, I cant go back. The 'veil of ignorance' has been lifted and I know damn well how nervous those new graduates are about their buns in their respective ovens, and how easily it can all turn pear-shaped. How it can turn pear-shaped just when you think you're about to cross the finish line too.

The chicks on the infertility boards (god love 'em all) - and I guess I have included myself in this - focus on getting that elusive Big Fat Positive. Nobody much mentions the trauma that comes along with that second pink line. Its the elephant in the corner.

So in a round about way I guess I'm saying that I dont want to read the Graduate's blogs, not because I'm an insanely jealous cow who would steal their baby at the first opportunity*, but because I dont want to read about it when it goes pear-shaped. I dont want to be confronted with that. Not by it happening to me or anyone else.

I am just as selfish as those awful Fertile people who dont know what to say to me, and dont want to know about a miscarriage thankyou very much. Only most of them still have the blinkers on. Mine were surgically removed.

*Though this might be true...

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