Monday, June 27, 2005

Life support

The journey I'm on now (if "journey" is an appropriate thing to call it - "large steaming pile of poo" seems more appropriate) has changed so much as to be completely unrecognisable from that which I started. Not surprisingly, the support that I need to get through this has changed along with it.

At first, I was just excited about trying for our first child. We even announced it to some of our friends (I'm sure they appreciated knowing we were now having unprotected sex). We were so excited to have conceived after 5months we told practically everyone, only to be devastated a few weeks later when we lost the pregnancy. No-one knew what to say to us, or indeed IF to say anything to us. When I realised that I was actually infertile, I went looking for like-minded souls who could help me understand what the hell was going on and put some things into perspective.

I turned to the infertility forums. Here were women who got it. Who I didn't have to explain WHY I was going insane or why I felt a particular way. They'd been there and knew. I had found my people. I introduced myself as ttc 14mo, 1pg m/c 6wks, pco, endo, CD5. and they all knew what it meant. None of my "real" friends would have a clue. Hell, alot of doctors wouldnt have a clue.

I found a huge amount of support, large sprinkles of babydust (yes, I know, I've been guilty myself), advice and positive energy. But as time goes on, I find that I resent that level of positivity.

I dont want babydust sprinkles anymore (its kinda gross if you think about it - where are they getting the babies from?), I dont want wishes for a BFP for this month. As previously mentioned, I dont want to hear about anyone else's BFP. That kinda leaves me out of the babydust gang.

So what do I want? Not to be left alone exactly. If I wanted that I wouldnt be posting these thoughts for the entire world to read (who am I kidding - for all three of you to read). And I wouldn't still be posting to those forums. (Forums? I think its actually fora.)

I dont know. Positivity is pissing me off. How fucked is that?

8 comments:

  1. Yes, sometimes it's hard to not appear too cheesy. Who wants to hear a "GO TEAM!" when something fucked up just happened. I struggle to find a balance. I want to be supportive and not flippant. I like to leave as many comments as I can muster, because I think it's great to know someone is reading.but also not to comment just for the pure hell of it. I never want to be shallow.
    You know? Anyway, I understand the positive overload...hell, my blog is even called Mrs Negative!! But, the circle of girls who talk to me on my blogpage are so loyal & I really like to return their support in the simplest form I can. With kindness.

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  2. Hey Panda Dude

    I liked your reference on how you introduce yourself to the fertility discussion group - I have a long list of failures in my signature - 5 x failed clomid cycles, 3 x injection cycles, 1 x biochem preg, 2 x hyperstim cycles, and 7 x BFN doesn't exactly sound like I am on my way to motherhood.

    And I fucking hate it when people gently remind me that next one is it because I know it is not. They are just saying it because they are running out of encouragements for me.

    But honey - trust me - sometimes the best medicine is to vent as much as possible - I guess this is what we are all doing here - to get some relief.

    You ladies are doing really well - you guys write so well (I am not eloquent at all) - so you hang in there. Be selfish - love yourself a little more because you deserve it.

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  3. It's not fucked at all. There comes a point when all the positivity in the world just doesn't make you feel better. Then it's time to turn to your snarky, bitchy blog friends! Ahhh, much better!

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  4. I completely agree. I have stopped posting on the fertility friends website because I'm tired of the "I felt a twing in my tummy am I pregnant" posts.

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  5. Know exactly what you are feeling. All the dust in the world doesn't make the stinking pile of poo any easier now does it. And thank you for now making me think that it is ground up babies they are sprinkling on us. *shiver*

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  6. I know how you feel. I get obsessed by those fertility boards and analysing every twinge and boob pain. I've got to stop doing it and I feel like a bit of an ass using the abbreviations, although they do make things easier.

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  7. TOTALLY agree... from day ONE I felt like an outsider with all the cutsey-poo roses and sunshine bullshit... I've now retreated to the safety of my blog where I only commune with like-minded pseudo-cynics.

    I hear ya sistah!!

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  8. Yes, sometimes it's hard to not appear too cheesy. Who wants to hear a "GO TEAM!" when something fucked up just happened. I struggle to find a balance. I want to be supportive and not flippant. I like to leave as many comments as I can muster, because I think it's great to know someone is reading.but also not to comment just for the pure hell of it. I never want to be shallow.
    You know? Anyway, I understand the positive overload...hell, my blog is even called Mrs Negative!! But, the circle of girls who talk to me on my blogpage are so loyal & I really like to return their support in the simplest form I can. With kindness.

    ReplyDelete

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