Grumpy cow

So many women from the forum have got positive pg tests this month. I think its up to 12 now. Its really starting to shit me.

Its not that I'm not happy for everyone else's great news - after all, some of those women have been trying longer than I have and have had multiple miscarriages or stillbirths. They deserve every bit of happiness. But it still hurts when others leave the TTC group and I'm still here, waiting, waiting, waiting.

Sometimes I feel like a cold bitch if those jealous feelings come up, but I guess after this long its only natural that I want it to be my turn soon please.

Pretty please. With sugar on top.

Battery-powered chooks

Lesson learned this weekend - stay away from battery chicken!

Not only did it produce 100% ferns on the Maybe Baby the next day (CD5!) but it also made me very weepy the next day. Goddam oestrogenic chooks.

CD8 and I'm still getting weirdo pains around my ovaries (now referred to as my OWvaries) so Monkey Boy has had to "ready the pipes" on his own. Hehehe TMI I know!

I'm going to give the Robitussin cough mixture a go this month, and hopefully that coupled with no Clomid will make my CM nice and welcoming. On the meds its been more like the cervical bouncer - "Not with THAT tail you dont!"

Hmmm...I think I'd like an Easter baby.....

Snuh!

I was thinking about the first time I was going to take Clomid - the dr was talking about me ringing up the day I get my period to book in for the next follicle scan and I just thought, "well *thats* not a very optimistic outlook. Of course i wont get my period!"

Yeh, well....snuh!

I've just had the shortest AF in the history of menstruation. 3 days total and basically just 24 hours of bleeding. What the? I'm confused. I could soooo have not bought the bulk pack of tampax!

Yay. Surgery. Woohoo.

Well, we had a super-long appointment at the gyno yesterday, and reached the following conclusions:

Monkey Boy's SA is actually fine, because although his percentages were a little low for the morphology and motility, his total numbers of high quality sperm is actually 99.7 million, and they like it to be above 20million. So where he's low on percentages he makes up for in sheer numbers.

I had an u/s which showed no cysts and a "lovely" uterus (not unremarkable anymore!) but since the bleeding is different this cycle and I'm still getting more/different pain than usual I have been put on the waiting list for a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy, which should come up within 3 months. I also had a BT for HCG this morning just to make sure that I dont have an ectopic pregnancy, and that was a big fat negatori, which, considering the bleeding and pain, is a good thing.

In the meantime, I have to take a 1 cycle break from the Clomid since my cycle went weird, and then go back on it until the lap comes up. We'll make decisions on whats next when we have the results of the surgery.

I'm not really sure how I feel about all this. I'm relieved that the SA results are okay. At least we only have to focus on me as the problem now.

Ugh. I always was the problem child!

Just gotta wait for a natural O to occur now and get down to some serious shagging.

!@#$%^&*

That about sums it up.

In translation: After the pale pink show yesterday, hours later AF decided to pay me a visit in a really "sneak in through the back door and make herself comfortable in the lounge without even calling first" kind of way. Mole!

Still getting unusual pains, but am definately not pg. Seeing the gyno later today. Time to make some big decisions. I really feel like taking a break but at the same time dont want to wait any longer as I'm definately not getting any younger. Just so sick of this. I'm now in my 16th month of TTC.

Well, the *only* good thing about AF arriving is that now me and my mates who were going to the Kylie concert together can now get together and have our own Kylie concert at home and I can get right royally hammered!!!

I WILL NOT test today! I WILL NOT test today!

Just went to the loo and there was very pale pink staining on the loopaper (sorry if TMI), not at all like the beginning of AF which for me is always superduper heavy the first 12 hours and dark red. More like CM with pink staining. I'm also getting a stitch-like pain just below and to the right of my bellybutton. Its too high up to be my ovary. Could this be implantation bleeding? Could it be a cyst bursting?

Pfft.

My latest theory is that I've actually gone PCO again. No AF, BFN's each time, increased pain over both ovaries now. I've decided on Tuesday when we seen the gyn to ask for a referral to Repromed to get this show on the road. If my body has gone haywire again, there's no point waiting around for nature or Clomid to take its course. I want action, dammit!

Monkey Boy is really stressed right now. He feels like he has so much work to do for uni that he cant afford to spend time worrying about TTC issues, but that he should be coz thats the most important thing, then when he does spend time thinking about it he feels like he should be studying.

Can someone get a wettex, our brains have exploded.

Officially lost it

Well I actually spent the day out and about yesterday rather than moping about the house and it did me the world of good. As did seeing my counsellor. I love her! I want to bring her home and put her in the closet so I can just open the door and say "so, how do I deal with THIS then??"

I was so convinced that AF would show up yesterday, but nothing. I looked in Coles in the city for the Fortel early HPT but they were completely out of stock. Bought another of the test I usually use and did it again this morning, and still a BFN. But no AF either. Now officially late. Still getting cramping, but not like I normally would. Also getting pain over both ovaries which is most unusual except for the last time I was pregnant.

Just got the SA results back from our clinic. Seems they were sent to my Dr last Friday but he still hadnt got them. I had to get them faxed across just now. Grrrr. Well, sperm concentration in 64million (crikey!), morphology is 20% and motility is 41%. According to the world health organisation concentration is great but motility and morphology are below normal.

LATER: Just found a Fortel test.

Giving up on POAS.

Clearly, I have defective pee.

We have an appointment with the gyn on Tuesday afternoon to talk about the SA results, so if nothing by then I'll request a BT and u/s.

Losing the plot

Still no AF. Of course, now I'm starting to catastrophise about how possibly its not showing up because I havent actually ovulated at all and its just going to be a really long cycle. Progesterone of 72 DOES mean you've O'd, doesnt it? Thats what the nurse a the clinic said, but maybe she was lying......

Okay, its a good thing I'm going to my counsellor this morning!

This is a mugs' game

BFN from this morning's test at 3:44am! I think I may have got my dates wrong and its possible I'm not due for AF until tomorrow, so there's even more waiting for me! Still getting mild cramping though and no boobs so i'm doubting very much anything's gonna change in that department. Several people have commented on only being on Clomid for 3 or 4 cycles and then looking at other options, and about taking emotional wellbeing into consideration when deciding how long to wait etc. Now I dont feel so bad/wussy about saying to my gynie that I cant handle 6 months of this.

Monkey Boy keps commenting that this will help me learn some patience. Bah humbug to that. There are better ways to learn some patience. I'm more worried about going back into the full-blown panic attack cycle I was having after the m/c. Bugger the patience! God men can be insensitive. I try to keep an open mind and think that well they cand understand what its like for us coz they dont have all the hormonal changes and its not happening to their bodies, but, for crying out loud, they could try a bit of empathy now and then. Its not really that hard to put yourself in someone else's position, is it?

LATER: I really need an informed opinion (okay, wild guesses will do). I did the HPT at 4am this morning. Threw it in the bin in disgust at a BFN. Looked at it again as I was on the loo just now at 12.30 and its almost invisible, but where the positive line should be there is definately the feintest of feint am-I-making-this-up line. Its like a ghost-line. Seriously, I'm wondering if its possible to make myself see a line thats not really there. P.S. My cat Muffin steadfastly refuses to comment on the possibility of it being a line. I think she's high-tailed it to the neighbours to get away from the crazy woman. Hmph.

Dont ask...dont tell

One of my internet friends made the comment to me today that she couldnt help herself but tell close friends that they'd just found out she was pregnant, like it was something she should try to hide.

I dont think there's anything wrong with telling your close friends straight away. After the miscarriage, I remember a friend of mine making the comment that next time I'll know not to tell anyone until I'm more than 12 weeks. If anything happens (universe forbid!) its not like you're not going to tell them why you're a mess in the corner, so why not let them share your joy now?

I can just see it: Oh no, I'm fine. Just stubbed my toe. Yeh it REALLY REALLY hurts.

AS IF. I wouldn't not tell someone Monkey Boy had just died. Why shouldn't people know I've had a miscarriage?

I think its more to protect those around us than anything else. People just dont know how to react to a miscarriage, especially an early one. Its just easier on them if they dont know about it at all. And very selfish.

Urg! this has been the longest two weeks in the history of two weekseses. Been getting slight p/pain cramps but no sore boobs this month (guessing its coz the progesterone isnt up near the stratosphere.) Also, I'm a moody cow. (Just generally, not connected to AF! ) No, I jest! I am moody, made more so by the Monkey asking why I'm so moody. Well DUH! But then weirdo stuff happens, like still getting O pain, and getting a slight increase in CM. What the???

I give up. I totally expect AF to arrive in the morning like she always does. Last month I went to the loo first thing the day she was due, got the HPT out of the cupboard and noticed I was bleeding. Timing!

I suck!

I'm so pathetic I just couldnt wait until Wednesday to do the HPT, so at 5.30 this morning I peed on a stick and got a Big Fat Negative. Then of course the p/pain started later this morning and now I'm feeling very despondant. Monkey Boy is stressing out and not sure if he can handle trying and trying and never being able to get anywhere.

Grrrrr

I'm really confused that other people's doctors are willing to put them onto IUI after 4 clomid cycles, when my gynie has been talking about waiting out 6 cycles. I've decided this morning that there's no way my sanity can cope with that. Hey, I'm not on anti-anxiety drugs for nothing! It seems strange to me as the Seraphene booklet says no more than 3 are recommended.

I wish there was some consistancy with the medical advice.

Unlucky for some

Our little angel would have been born today if I hadnt miscarried, and I just feel shite. On Sunrise this morning they were talking about superstitions (it being Friday 13th) and several viewers said their baby was born on a Friday 13th and it was the luckiest day of their lives. I wanted to throw something at the TV.

Now then, about my CM... (god, there's a conversation starter!) I have read somewhere in the thousands of pages I've looked at that you can have a "post-coital test" done to check if you have hostile mucous. I figure its kinda pointless to be taking Clomid for another 3 months if its making my CM be all grumpy and unco-operative with the little guys.

Yes, I'll have some Manolos with my baby...

You'd think that after 14 months, a m/c and being on Clomid I would have clued in that we're having problems conceiving, but it really wasnt until we were sitting in the Repromed office yesterday waiting for the Semen Analysis that it really hit me.

We're officially infertile.

I could've cried.

I decided to read about Sarah Jessica Parker and her shoes instead.

Mmmmmm...muffins....

I've been using the Maybe Baby for the last 3 cycles, which tests your saliva for oestrogen levels. The oestrogen level increases sharply just before O and in the saliva this shows up as a very distinct fern pattern. I had no idea when I was ovulating coz I had all the signs but for months I just wasnt Oing at all. The Maybe Baby was $70 from a chemist, but unlike the other OPK's, you use it over and over. I find it very reassuring to be able to look in the little eyepiece and see fernulence (my new word of the year!). You have to do it first thing in the morning before you have anything to drink/eat. If you try to do it too soon after food or drink it gives a false reading. Especially after eating chicken - love those artificially plumped up chook breasts!

Got the BT result back this arvo and I definately ovulated, with a progesterone level of 72, which is a lot more reasonable than the 298 of last month! Now its the loooooong week wait for AF to show (or not).

I swear that if men had to go through a fraction of what we have to go through in ttc, there would be no babies. Yes, he had the SA this morning. Yes, he's a big girls blouse.

And after the next gynie visit where I get the huge probe stuck up my fanny while two other people watch, I'd better get a chocolate muffin too!

Stab-o-matic 5000

Wouldnt it be nice to have a lab at home, so we could do all those fancy tests on ourselves every time we're confused about what the hell our bodies are doing?

Gribbles-in-a-box.

Maybe there's an untapped market?

Mothers' Day

The due date for our bundle was to have been May 13th, and as it's been getting closer I've been getting sadder. Not helped at all by the fact that our neighbour is due in two weeks. I'm sure everyone except Monkey Boy thinks I'm totally over it and what was the big deal anyway since it was so early.

9 months later and I'm still grieving for a little bunch of cells that never grew up.

I managed to keep it together until about 4am and then bawled on the Monkey's shoulder about the baby we should've been having this week. That physical ache for a child is just so overwhelming. Given that before I met M I never wanted kids, it does my head in sometimes. I never knew the maternal instinct could be so powerful. Wish I knew where the off switch was sometimes.

Last BD today before the Semen Analysis on Wednesday. I asked M if he would require assistance, to which he responded "I was a 16 year old male once, I reckon I've got a handle on it". Hehehe.

As to Mothers Day, I reckon we're all mothers. We're just temporarily between appointments.

Not tonight dear...

Here's some disappointing news for all those guys hoping that "the more the merrier" is true when it comes to nookie...

Our specialist said that for maximum sperm production, not to BD more frequently than every second day, otherwise you're just shooting blanks. And if you wait too long, all the little guys can die waiting!

Patience is a card game...

At the moment, I'm dealing with the TWW by renovating my house like the world's gonna end tomorrow. I just have to keep busy and think about other stuff. So I end up completely exhausted at the end of those two weeks, but I figure its better than sitting around and getting my brain all fersnuzzled. I have 3 renovation projects on the go at the moment and that keeps my mind occupied for most of the day. Its when I stop that I start getting all twitchy.

I'm the sort of person that needs to know absolutely every single piece of information about the situation I'm going into, even if none of it will be needed, so i've informed myself up the wazoo (hehe, almost literally!) about every aspect of TTC, so we've already made some decisions about how long to keep going on this rollercoaster and what we are prepared to put ourselves through to achieve our child. Forewarned is forearmed is the way I look at it. That's the clinical approach.

Of course, I still end up in a blubbering heap at the end of each month when AF shows her ugly face again and I still dont want to have sex when my ovaries are the size of footballs but do it anyway, and I still am jealous as hell of my best mate who has a gorgeous 14 month old son who, for the first time yesterday, held up his little hand for me to hold as we were walking along, and it nearly broke my heart.

Truly, if it wasnt for my wonderful beautiful fantastic loving Monkey Boy this would be unbearable, but he is so unbelievably supportive and open with me that I know that we will get through this, whatever the outcome.

Pee-no-more

Pregnancy tests all seem to be a bit of a rip off to me. What I look for in a pregnancy test is LOWEST PRICE. They are all pretty much the same. Some you place a drop of urine in a window, others you wee in a cup and dip a paper strip in the wee. As for being able to test at 7 days after conception... bollocks. Even at 5 weeks pregnant I could only just make out a second line. i even had to ask the cat if it was a line.

I'm going to go on the "light a cigarette and a bus will turn up" (when your waiting for a bus, obviously. Not just random buses arriving in your living room!) approach and buy them in bulk online from now on.. Once I've got 20 in the house, i'm sure not to need more than one!

I actually had a pharmacy assistant ask me last month when I bought the test if I'd ever used one before! Oh boy have I used them. I keep that company in business. Damn my impatience for AF to turn up!

Not helpful, Jan...

I've been thinking about how people respond to events such as a miscarriage and infertility.

After I had the m/c last year I just couldnt cope with anything and certainly didnt want people telling me not to worry and it'll all work out alright.

I shall say this only once, people: Its just not helpful.

Especially when I know exactly what the stats are and I know damn well that there's only a 10% chance of this or a 15% chance of that, and every pregnancy has a 30% chance of ending in tears blah blah blah.

The thing is, you DONT know that things will work out, and you DONT know how I feel, and it IS a big deal so dont bloody tell me that you're sure I'm going to be fine.

And don't act like nothing happened. I lost a child. I wouldnt act like nothing had happened if a friend had lost her husband, or a parent, or even a cat. Dont insult me by treating me as if it were just a late period.

Personally, I dont think that it is even healthy to remain optimistic all the time. It is far more helpful to remain realistic, even though that sucks.

I think that the next time someone gives me a platitude, I'm just gonna tell them to piss off.

I might be a little more tactful.

Depends which day of my cycle it is.

A brief history of Super Ovulatrix and Her Unremarkable Uterus

Or "how crap my life has been thus far...."

I went on the Pill at the tender age of 19. Various brands came and went until I landed on a really high progesterone pill that meant I wasnt the bitch from hell, but I also stopped bleeding. Bonus. No problem.

In 2000 I started developing ovarian cycts. They hurt, but no-one seemed to make a big deal about them, even when one was 7cm long and showed a functional blood supply. They went away on their own.

Then all of a sudden in early 2003, my body went completely wacko. More wacko than Jacko, and thats wacko. I had intense lower abdominal pain that just wouldnt go away. I spontaneously started bleeding, heavily. My boobs doubled in size in two days. I wasn't just the bitch from hell, I was the psycho bitch from hell who couldnt stop screaming and crying and throwing things for 5 days. No doctor knew why. I did pregnancy tests. All negative.

Eventually, I was sent to a specialist. No signs of ovarian cycts, but the pain was still there and still intense. Having sex hurt like hell, to the point of crying. I had a laparoscopy and it was discovered I had endometriosis. Two tiny little patches on the wall under my left ovary. They removed it.

"Dont wait until you're 38 to start trying to have kids" was the gynie's advice. Well, that was my plan. Time to rethink.

Monkey Boy and I were married later that year. I slipped a disc in my lower back on our honeymoon. No - not THAT way. Canoeing. Honest. I ended up having surgery to remove part of the disc after not being able to walk for 4 months and being in intolerable pain. Fabulous start to our marriage. But thats another story.

I went off the pill the day my best friend's son was born, 10 March 2004. Despite being in shitloads of pain with my back, we did the mattress mambo at the appropriate time and to our surprise and joy, we conceived on my birthday and found out on Monkey's birthday. (We're both Leo's!) I'd only just stopped wandering around muttering "oh my god, its a line" when we got the phone call from the GP telling me that the HCG level hadnt increased and I would most likely have a miscarriage.

That was the longest weekend of my life.

I woke at 5am on Monday 31st August 2004 bleeding profusely. Rushed to hospital. Spent all day in Emergency. Total miscarriage.

Followed, not surprisingly, a total breakdown for both of us.

My period decided to go on a long holiday after that. Major abdominal pain at the end of the year sent me back to my gynie, thinking that the endometriosis had come back, but an u/s showed that my ovaries had gone polycycstic. Not just one cyst this time but many.

And now...

I was put on 25mg of Clomid to try to get me ovulating again, which has worked a treat - I've been ovulating twice each cycle for the first two cycles! On cycle 3 now CD14 and just had my u/s this morning to check for follicle growth. This month there's only one. Gynie says for us to try 3 more cycles on Clomid, and DH is off for a Semen Analysis next week (I wonder why he wasnt sent for one earlier, but they seem to think that a pregnancy that ends in a miscarriage is still a positive sign...).

Platitudes NOT to say to an infertile

10.Nothing...
9. There's still plenty of time...
8. Just relax...
7. You're not infertile, it just hasnt happened yet...
6. If its meant to happen, it will happen...
5. Oh well...next time...
4. I got pregnant really easily...
3. So-and-so got pregnant on her own after 14 IVF cycles when she was 83...
2. Stop obsessing...
1. I know it will work out...

Do not say any of the above unless you want an hysterical woman on your hands.

Things that have not helped us have a baby

10.Sex...
9. Reading books about how to have a baby...
8. Non-doubling HCG numbers...
7. Crying, bargaining, and begging...
6. Pillows under butt...
5. Being asked "When are you going to have a baby???"...
4. Incompetant Doctors...
3. BBT, OPK and HPT...
2. Letting nature take its course...
1. JUST RELAXING........

Please refrain from suggesting any of the crap listed above. All other suggestions are welcome.

Abbreviations

Here's a list of common abbreviations used in the Trying to Conceive forums. These and all sorts of other nauseating terms will become part of your everyday on-line conversation.

There will be a test at the end.

AF - Aunt Flo ( period)

BD - BabyDancing (sex)

BT - blood test

CD - Cycle Day

CM - cervical mucus

DH - Darling Husband

DPO - days past ovulation

ENDO - endometriosis

ESN - every second night (frequency of having to do the do...)

EWCM - egg white cervical mucus

FMU - first morning urine

HCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotrophin - (the stuff that rises in your blood when you're pregnant.)

HPT - home pregnancy test

ICSI - Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection

IVF - In vitro Fertilisation

IUI - Intrauterine Insemination

LAP - laparoscopy

LP - Luteal Phase (phase between ovulation and menstruation, usually 14 days)

M/C - miscarriage

O - ovulation

OPK - ovulation predictor kit

POAS - pee on a stick ( doing a home pregnancy test)

PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

PG - up the duff, bun in the oven, pregnant

SA - semen analysis

TMI - too much information

TTC - Trying to conceive

TWW - two week wait (between ovulation and when period is due)

U/S - ultrasound