If I don't look out for myself, then who the hell else is going to?
The one who almost 8 years ago promised to "love honour and cherish, in sickness and in health blah-blah" is certainly not showing any signs of "being for me", looking out for me nor for supporting me in this, one of the hardest battles I have ever had to face.
And you've read the condensed version of my life's battles. There's been some corkers, hey?
Drinking alcohol in front of me with friends and joking about "now this is really rubbing it in": not supportive. Screaming at me (in front of the kids) that I have no idea how much I am costing him personally: not supportive. Making every day so stressful by the yelling - always the yelling - at the kids, that if I hear his voice once more I am going to fucking explode. Not asking, not ever asking how I am feeling without the alcohol: Not.Fucking.Supportive.
So.
I am for me.
I cannot stand to be in my living room because the associations with alcohol are so strong. I cannot be in the kitchen at dinner time because my automatic response is to get a glass and go to the fridge. And then I remember..."Ohhh, DAMMIT!" I cannot cope with the constant noise and the demands and the yelling.
I want to be alone, so I can have the shakes and cry in private and not in front of my children. I want to be alone so I can hear my own thoughts. I want to be alone so I can feel something other than frustration with my children - because lets face it, boy (5) + girl (almost-3) = nightmare - and anger at my husband.
The only way I can see how to do this is to put my hand up and say "Help me! I can't do this alone anymore." To voluntarily go into hospital and do this with people who know what they are doing, who know how to get people through detox and who are not going to ignore my fairly obvious distress. I had my first panic attack since the birth of my daughter the other day, for no reason other than I was in my son's classroom and there were other adults there. The second was a day later in the car with MB, simply because I was with him.
I need rest. I need sleep. I need quiet so I can hear myself. If I cant hear my own thoughts, or if I cant even process information because of what my body is dealing with, all that happens is anxiety and panic.
If I cant hear myself, how can I help myself?
If I cant help myself, how on earth am I going to be able to help these two precious, beautiful children? I am for me.
I am also for them.
sometimes the quiet is also a hindrance, but i agree that a few hours of quiet may be useful indeed my dear.
ReplyDeletehope you get it soon.
did you try some lavender for your sleep? xx
I wish you could just drop your kids off at my house while you go into hospital so they don't have to be around MB and his negativity.
ReplyDeleteYou don't deserve this. You need to get away for a bit and get some healthy distance so you can focus, literally and figuratively. Do whatever it takes.
We are all for you. We are in your kitchen, grabbing and embracing your hand when you reach for a bottle. We are in the car, turning up the radio so you can't hear him. We are here always, asking how you are, and listening.
We are all for you.
Sharon, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I promise you it WILL get better. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete- Francie (Long time reader / lurker, first or second time commenter).
"Im ein ani li, mi li?" Not so much a proverb as a saying of Rabbi Hillel's. The whole thing reads: "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?" And absolutely right, you are for you, and for them, and the time is now. So you do whatever you need to do to remain for you, and for them. Everyhting else is landscape, as we say.
ReplyDeleteI think those panic attacks are par for the course. Unfortunate, but would it help to accept that you will have some? No experience with those so I really have no idea... (MB needs a finely tuned kick to the gonads though. One thing at a time though, one day you'll be free of that too). If you need to be in hospital then be in hospital, do it. Raise your hand and say "Help me! I can't do this alone anymore" to whom it matters, to those in a position to help you, exactly so. You'd probably still feel like you're crawling out of your skin but you'd be micromanaged. Even if it's just for a little bit, it might be the little bit that grounds you a bit more and when you feel like there's not much keeping you bound every milimetre counts, no? Leaving the children with MB might not be ideal but let's face it, neither is having an alcoholic mother so that is your priority, they are your priority. Do what you feel you have to do to be what you need to be.
you know that i know what it is like to feel like nothing makes sense, that you cannot cope with what has been, what is and what might be. HOWEVER, believe me when I say you always have me ear to bash, my arms for a hug and my torch to share if the candles aren't cutting it. The hard may get harder, then easier, then harder, then easier again etc etc. Most important thing is that you allow your friends to help you and hold your hand through this difficult time and hang on to the hope that change is a good thing - not necessarily an easy thing.
ReplyDeleteTake Care sweet friend xo
Sharon, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I promise you it WILL get better. Hang in there.
ReplyDelete- Francie (Long time reader / lurker, first or second time commenter).
sometimes the quiet is also a hindrance, but i agree that a few hours of quiet may be useful indeed my dear.
ReplyDeletehope you get it soon.
did you try some lavender for your sleep? xx