Thursday, February 02, 2012

Broken


There is no doubt that if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't be here right now.

I hate that I have kids. That they stop me.

I hate my existence. Its not a life. I exist. I get up, I breathe, I go to bed.  There is no point to this existence. There is no reason to get out of bed. No reason to be here.

My marriage is a farce. Almost every day something happens thanks to my husband that makes me think that I should just end my life. The pain is too great, being badgered and hounded at my lowest point every time until I want to die.  Knowing that it is affecting the kids to watch how I am treated...I can't describe that pain.

Even now, with what I am going through on this new medication (one my doctor has now been told - by a shrink I've never seen -  I must stop! Immediately! For it has never been used to treat Bipolar Disorder! Fuck me.) I am still attacked until I want to die.

Everything I have ever said or done when ill has been brought up and twisted, thrown in my face used against me and it is very clear, oh very clear indeed, that should I slip, falter at all, my children will be long gone.

Take them, and take my life with them.

There is no escape from this living hell.  No carer to replace the one who does not care.  No one to help me through my disability and make sure I can raise my children. I would be better off if I were a junkie. I'd get all the help in the world then. But a broken spine, not "the right sort of spinal injury" and under 65? I am invisible. I do not matter. My children, therefore, do not matter.

There is only one escape. Only one. It seems to be the one everyone wants.




20 comments:

  1. Nothing lasts forever. You will not always feel this way. Is there someone I can call for you?

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  2. Sharon, I know how you feel. Please call Lifeline! With the right meds you will feel better. Can you contact Child Protection and tell them you need help? I know just how hard it is to find the right help, but if I have to keep trying, so do you.

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    Replies
    1. Sharon6:51 pm

      Child Protection are a joke. They are so overworked only the direst tv-news-worthy stories get dealt with. The rest of us fend for ourselves.

      There is no help for dealing with the restrictions of my disability if I am single. Until the NDIS becomes a reality in 7 years. Pah.

      Delete
  3. Sharon :( I feel awful for you. I want to wrap you up in big hugs. Is there no one you can reach out to? X

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  4. It is so interesting what happens behind closed doors... for have never witnessed this version of cntymcassclown.
    maybe when I finally have a bed here that's not a shit mattress on the floor you can come down for a couple of days and relax a little (hopefully this weekend i will have).
    love you. don't be sad.
    xx

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  5. Anonymous7:26 pm

    There are so many people who DO care about you and are feeling completely helpless that we cant help you. I don't know what the answer is, I just pray that your meds get sorted out soon and you can work through this. it can only get better. xx
    Ducky

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  6. Is there anything I can do to help you? I am sorry you are going through even a small part of this let alone the whole lot. Xx

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  7. Anonymous11:29 pm

    You need to hang in there and see whether the medication is helpful at the dosage you're working towards. You have a lot of love here. Even from people like me who just found your blog. Those kids love you like they'll never love anyone else. I hope your physical pain is under reasonable control. Anyway, Hi Susan, my name is Linda and your blog is so real it hurts. Be kinder to yourself and just kiss those kids and love them to bits and keep going. X

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  8. There are so many good things about you and so much life ahead for your children and for you. Life can change so much -really! Against all odds

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  9. Anonymous7:08 am

    People have offered help. Will you be taking any? Or will continue this slide into self-pity? Do you wonder why people in the family are mad at you? Are able to look at yourself as harshly as you look at others? Have you ever taken acountability for the part you've played in the break-down of your relationships? Have you always been this self-centred and arrogant? Hate me, I don't care, this is the world wide web, you invite comments and invite people into your life, then you get mad at the MIL for taking up the invitation. Ridiculous to expect privacy here, can't you see that? Can you see that your husband was also broken by your spinal injury. He lost too. Turning to alcohol may have sent your husband into the contempruous person you describe. You lied to the person trying to help you with pain meds. Did you expect respect for any of this. Have you ever said sorry for any of this? Or are you blameless because you have the devastating pain and the depression? When did his contempt begin? Was it so unreasnalbel that the MIL want to protect the grand-children? You say you put the kids first. Why isn't she allowed to? It seems that it really is about you. You live in fear of losing your kids but wish you didn't have them or never had them? You are some what irrational. Yes pain and depression. I've read. But you also stated you could win anything because of your legal mind and determination. Then fight anyone who tries to take your kids. No ability to? Than check into hospital and don't leave, Have your spine re-assessed. You've gone through spinal surgery before and it worked. You'd rather dead than a paraplegic? Thought your kids meant everything. No wonder your husband feels out of it. Was he always second to be loved when your son arrived? He's still with you, he could have left long ago. But I guess it's still ll about you. Even when the loving, smart, funny, joyful you was in this blog you still came across as self-centred and arrogant. Where do you get off believing you know more than the doctors you've seen? Have you even had a diagnosis of bi-polar affective disorder? These diagnoses can take time. You are at risk of self-harm and not being rushed to hospital by a friend. I don't get it. You can easily manipulate the system as you have proven. Do you think pain has made you incredibly selfish? I do. Put your family first and consider getting the help that really is out there. Or is this blog just a con-job? Won't be investing anymore of mu emotional energy on someone whoo clearly has the intellect to help herself but chooses not to. Now tell me, anonymous, to fuck of, suits me fine.

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  10. WOAH. SOMEONE seems to be taking this all a little personally, don't they?

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  11. Physical pain is something that cannot be understood unless you are living it. It affects every aspect of your day to day, the mental component is one of the harshest. The lack of sleep is only a small part. I have lived this after a staircase incient, thankfully it left me alone after a couple of years.
    Thinking the spinal surgery did NOT work otherwise would not be in this harsh a predicament... hmm...

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  12. My husband has trigeminal neuralgia. Think that's the right spelling, fooled it anyway. They call it suicide disease. He also has arthritis in his beck and spine. Years of hard to diagnose illnesses that have him in constant pain. To say that ppl should just get help is ridiculous. Sometimes it's trying to get ppl to believe you need help that's the main thing.

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    Replies
    1. Sharon8:06 pm

      Hey, my husband has that too. Maybe once a month, crippling nerve pain down his face. Awful stuff. Stuff you cant see. The worst to get diagnosed and properly treated.

      Delete
  13. Fooled??? I meant Google. Damn auto correct.

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  14. I have a son and most days he is the only reason that I drag myself out of bed. He is the only reason that I am alive. That might be a lot to place of a 2.5yo's shoulders but he has no idea just how much of a saviour he is. So yes like Sharon I too sometimes feel like I am being forced to be alive and I don't always like it. From my understanding Sharon is seeking help...it's just inadequate...not all of us can afford to see the doctor/counsellor that we need and are just stuck with whatever the public system throws at us. So what do we do? We tap into the resources that we know work for US. Obviously for Sharon it is to write.

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  15. Wow. Big big stuff hon ... I'm tempted to ask you if you're ok but I hate being asked that myself.

    All is well. You know those hectic times and you think man, it would be so nice to feel bored? but you can't because too much is happening, too much to feel.

    Strength and clarity to you.

    XXXX

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  16. Sharon, I do understand the reasons behind euthanasia and am not against it. I watched my father slowly suffocate over six months until he was finally freed. If he had been able to have the option to end it sooner, I'm sure he would have and I wouldn't have tried to talk him out of it. I've also had pets that I have had to put down because of their pain.

    I understand pain. I understand, really I do. I'm in constant pain from my fibromyalgia which is one of those invisible things no one really understands and people just want to shake their heads and say that it is all in my head. It's not. The lack of sleep at times because no matter how I lay I cramp up... and not just a charley horse type of cramp but a deep in my bones pain I can't explain. And my pain won't get better either, only worse. The doctor said the arthritis in my spine looked like that of a 65 year old... not the 45 year old I was at the time.

    The "selfishness" was for those people who give up from a broken heart, or a lost job. I understand that pain also, but those things will get better. I saw a plaque that says 'No boy is worth crying over, and the one who is won't make you.' I wish that could be tattoo'd on the arm of every teen girl (or boy) who thinks they can't live without that special someone.

    There are selfish suicides and then there are compassionate releases. And there is a difference that we as a society need to recognize.

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    Replies
    1. Sharon3:49 pm

      I get it, Cindi, and thanks for your response. I had something about 18 months ago that appeared and was diagnosed as Fibromyalgia, so I understand the type of pain you are describing. Turned out it was just caused by one of the drugs I was on for the Peripheral Neuralgia pain.

      You're right about society needing to recognise the difference between suicides. Or understanding them at all.

      Delete

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