I explained that I would be going into hospital, probably tomorrow, and the doctors and nurses would look after me for a few days while my body got better, and my brain got better, so I could stop being sad and angry and be a better mummy for him and Ella.
Cue crying.
Cue tight hugs from Felix.
"Are you sad, Felix?"
Bottom lip trembling: "Yes, because I'll miss you."
I'll miss you too, my darling baby boy.
This breaks my heart. The whole thing, what you've been going through, what you're going through, breaks my heart. But it fills me with relief as well, you need monitoring so meds can be adjusted and you made comfortable, you need to be safe, you need to be in hospital and now you will be.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you can see, because of the chattering pandas in your mind, how far you've come already but in case they're loud I'll tell you - YOU'VE COME SO FAR ALREADY! (If they're silent, then I'm glad you can see it, you should be able to see it and be proud of yourself too.) I've always thought parenthood is like "And now you'll forever wear your entrails on the outside" and it has to be killing you, metaphorically speaking, to leave the children. But the way you were living was killing you literally so this is vastly better, we all need you back whole and capable but the children really do. We're talking about an elf and a fairy, you don't fuck with mythical creatures' well-being!
And if you ever have doubts, if you feel guilty because it's not like you can _see_ alcoholism or physical pain themselves after all, picture it as a diabetic crisis, you wouldn't begrudge yourself tight monitoring then.
God I'm proud of you, this has got to hurt like a mother! (Oh, no pun intended but still appropriate.) All appendixes crossed, I have all the faith in the world in you!
Loads and loads of love, J
Love you. You are doing the best thing. The bravest thing. The hardest thing and I love you. Hang on lady... Big mushy internet hugs.
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I am proud of you. I think deep down, Felix is too.
ReplyDeleteWe'll see you when you get out.
xo
Oh, are you lot going to Oz to meet her?? Am envious! Want! Cows.
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