The one about my crazed hormones, or Why I Like Prozac

A few people know this. Most dont. I dont think anyone apart from Adam and my wonderful GP understand it.

I'm going to write about hormones. Specifically, my hormones, why they dont like me and I dont like them.

I went on the Pill when I was a tender young spud of 19. I tied a few different types out, and after being unbearable bitchy on the biphasic and triphasic ones, I found a monophasic pill with a high dose of progesterone that suited me just right. I stayed on this for about ten years, I guess. I stopped bleeding as the progesterone dose was so high, but big deal, right? So I just kept taking the active pills constantly.

Then we decided to have a bash at this babymaking caper. I came off the Pill. I figured it would take ages before the Crimson Bitch would return but it only took 5 weeks. Groovy. Yeh, until the first proper cycle got underway. I'm a bit thick really. It took me 6 months to figure out what the hell was going on. But here it is.

Around 5-7 days after ovulation, I went absolutely psycho. I screamed, I threw things, I threw things AT THE MONKEY. I wanted a divorce. I said terrible things. Unforgivable, horrid, vile things. I would start an all-out-war over there not being any cordial in the house, one that would last for 3 days. Cordial, people! I cried like I had never cried before: those gut-wrenching cries that make you feel like you're going to cry out your internal organs. I screamed like I had never screamed before, imagining that causing myself physical pain would be preferable to the emotional pain that I was feeling. Then, about 5 days later, calm would descend again on the Panda, and everything would be okay.

Except, of course, everything wasnt okay. Monkey Boy was distraught at the things I had said and done, and was scared to do anything that might set me off again. I know he still carries the scars. I know he's scared of it happening again.

Things came to a head after the miscarriage. With both of us suffering depression, our ability to cope with my psychotic moments was ZERO. Thank jeebus, I had found a leaflet at our local doctor's office about Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I read it, and saw myself described on the page. I showed Monkey. He agreed. Time to talk to the doctor.

So we had a diagnosis. It turned out that I'm not a horrible heartless evil wretch. My hormones are fucked. My brain chemistry is fucked. Oestrogen drops, Panda becomes a Psycho Bitch-From-Hell with an out if she's ever charged with murder! It wasnt until I had this diagnosis and an understanding of what my body was actually doing that I realised I have had this since I hit puberty. It was poorly controlled with some of the varieties of the Pill that I tried, and completely controlled with the one I finally settled on. So all of a sudden I had an explanation for what I had always thought of as a nervous breakdown. I wasn't nuts, as my father would have me believe. I wasnt possessed by the devil, as my mother would have me believe (I kid you not), and I wasnt a useless failure as my brother would have me believe. I was just a kid, with bad brain chemistry and really fucked hormones.

Interesting aside: this was how I knew I was pregnant - the weeks after ovulation I didnt go psycho.

Despite the fact that we were trying to get knocked-up, I went on Prozac, which is NOT, as most people think, an anti-depressant. Its an anti-anxiety drug. In low doses it is extremely effective in controlling PMDD. I didnt want to be on drugs, but nor did I want to feel like killing myself every 28 days, nor ruin my marriage. So I took the Prozac.

Best thing I ever did. Within two weeks I felt like I was functioning as a normal person. Not once have those psychotic episodes returned. Sure, I've got grumpy, sometimes I've even over-reacted to minor stuff. But I havent screamed, I havent threatened divorce, and I havent wanted to die. Unlike anti-depressants, I can still feel the highs and the lows of life, though there aren't so many highs around as I'd like, but ya get that with this whole "cant seem to get knocked-up thing".

Prozac: this girl's best friend.