I'm not sure where this post will go, but I've just realised something.
I dont know how to write as a freaking out and scared pregnant woman. I only know how to write as a bitter and twisted infertile woman. I certainly dont have the first clue as to how to combine the two. Because, really, I'm still the bitter and twisted infertile. I just happen to have another human being inside me at the moment and, believe me, I am painfully conscious of the fact that it is for the moment.
Before we got the second HCG results, I couldnt let myself think about this as actually happening. I mean, obviously, I was pregnant, but would it last? I didnt - couldnt - believe the numbers would come back in our favour. I had to protect myself from that crushing and devastating blow. Now? Well, there's some hope, see? Just a little.
A line from the great Australian movie Strictly Ballroom came to me this morning: "A life lived in fear is a life half lived." I could continue to keep that protective disbelief, that emotional distance, from this pregnancy, this life inside me. But what would that achieve? Would it really protect me from the pain that may be to come should history repeat? I want to believe that it would, but I know it wouldnt. I know that I would grieve just as much as if I had embraced this experience.
I dont want my life to be half lived. I can live out the next 8 months trying to stay detatched from my own child, or I can embrace the life within me.
I choose to rejoice in this miracle that has occured, and find happiness within the moment. I dont know what the future will bring, but I do know that right now I have a life inside me that needs me completely.
So I will be completely here.