Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Not Drowning, Waving

I'm not sure where this post will go, but I've just realised something.

I dont know how to write as a freaking out and scared pregnant woman. I only know how to write as a bitter and twisted infertile woman. I certainly dont have the first clue as to how to combine the two. Because, really, I'm still the bitter and twisted infertile. I just happen to have another human being inside me at the moment and, believe me, I am painfully conscious of the fact that it is for the moment.

Before we got the second HCG results, I couldnt let myself think about this as actually happening. I mean, obviously, I was pregnant, but would it last? I didnt - couldnt - believe the numbers would come back in our favour. I had to protect myself from that crushing and devastating blow. Now? Well, there's some hope, see? Just a little.

A line from the great Australian movie Strictly Ballroom came to me this morning: "A life lived in fear is a life half lived." I could continue to keep that protective disbelief, that emotional distance, from this pregnancy, this life inside me. But what would that achieve? Would it really protect me from the pain that may be to come should history repeat? I want to believe that it would, but I know it wouldnt. I know that I would grieve just as much as if I had embraced this experience.

I dont want my life to be half lived. I can live out the next 8 months trying to stay detatched from my own child, or I can embrace the life within me.

I choose to rejoice in this miracle that has occured, and find happiness within the moment. I dont know what the future will bring, but I do know that right now I have a life inside me that needs me completely.

So I will be completely here.

6 comments:

  1. Jacqueline1:02 am

    Well I personally have never experienced a loss and yet what you say resonates very strongly with me. I think it is perfectly natural when there is something you want SO MUCH and still many steps to get to that goal. Having a baby is not easy - from the growing of said baby to way past its birth. Add to that a previous loss and it is completely understandable that behind the joy lurks a little fear. I am one week away from giving birth and my fear has not gone! Despite my not experiencing a loss I still did not tell anyone until like 13/14 weeks.

    To me, it is important to honour that fear we all have while simultaneously not letting it overtake the joy of finally obtaining something we so desparately wanted. If anyone can figure out how to do that when it comes to pregnancy, I'm all ears! :-)

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  2. lurker delurking...

    Your post brought tears to my eyes; you expressed your fears and the determination to live and enjoy the moment so well. Some days it will come easily, other times it will be more of an effort (during pregnancy, birth and beyond) but you are obviously determined to be happy and that's what counts. H&H 8 months

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  3. Oh, my darling Panda... your words ring so loud and true... particularly to any of us who have suffered a miscarriage. And... while these words might not be the 'right' thing for me to say... I have to say it... which is this... I honestly have an ubelievably overwhelming feeling that this is all going to work out for you... I just do... and this is not something I've ever said to anyone else about early pregnancy... Be easy on yourself... go with the feelings as they arise... and ultimately...eventually... find that source within you that will allow you to rejoice... nobody deserves it more.

    Lots and lots of love,
    Manuela

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  4. You deserve every happy moment revel in them you've been through so much it's nice to hear you want to enjoy this. Hoping you get to keep on enjoying it 8 months and beyond.

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  5. Living a full life is the best revenge.

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  6. lurker delurking...

    Your post brought tears to my eyes; you expressed your fears and the determination to live and enjoy the moment so well. Some days it will come easily, other times it will be more of an effort (during pregnancy, birth and beyond) but you are obviously determined to be happy and that's what counts. H&H 8 months

    ReplyDelete

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