Friday, July 08, 2005

The drugs dont work

Remember when you were a youngun, and you'd wake up one morning with an overwhelming desire to fake a stomach ache/fever/broken limb/anything to get out of going to school.

That's how I felt this morning. It was Dirt School day. Now, normally this would not be a problem. I like Dirt School. I get to dig. In dirt. Since this is what I like doing, this is a Good Thing. I quit Law School because this is what I really wanted to do. But this morning, I would have stuck the thermometer on the light bulb and put talc on my face just like the old days if I'd thought it would've helped me stay home.

In the end all I had to do was say to the Monkey "I cant face going today". Why wasnt it that easy at school?

And its not because its horrible or the big kids dont like me or...anything, really. Its just that the thought of having to go and act like a normal person, of having to put on a resonably happy face and not act like my world has taken a rather large tumble in the last 3 weeks, well it fills me with dread. I just cant do it.

I feel stupid and weak and like I'm letting myself and Monkey Boy down. I should be strong enough to go play in the goddamn dirt for 6 hours. Other women manage to deal with shit worse than i'm going through, and still go to work. Whats wrong with me that I cant make it out of bed and into the real world?

I dont think the Prozac is enough anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my lovely, Panda... don't fall into the trap of the Pain Olympics... where you feel others have suffered more and you therefore don't qualify for a medal! I know that ailment only too well. You ARE going through a lot right now... it's ok to admit that... and it doesn't matter whom else has suffered 'more' or 'less'... This infertility crap is a tough tough road...

    And... what is Dirt School??? Are you studing geology? Landscaping? Botany? Archaeology? Silviculture? Mud wrestling?

    ReplyDelete

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