I meant "darkest pits of hell I just want to die because nothing is safe and what is the point in continuing I feel so disgusting I wish I could scrub this off me" despair.
The blackness descends again and again and again and nothing can lift it because there is nothing left that can give me any hope.
This blog gave me hope.
And now its gone.
And I am thrown between wanting desperately to be able to write my story in complete honesty so that one day my kids will know that mamma did everything possible to be a good mamma and when she fucked it up, this is why. So that other people who are dealing everyday with the same fuckingshitsonofabitch nightmare of crazy that I deal with might have some microscopic sense of relief that they are not alone. So that when I write, what I write is on record, and I am therefore more accountable for my actions than if I wrote in seclusion. Relapse is easier if the whole intertweebs dont know about it.
(Whole intertweebs. That is, all 10 of you.)
But, you know, evil narcissistic stalker.
How can I write anything about my children knowing that the crazy bitch I want to shield my children from is reading it all? After all, if I wanted her to have updates, I would be sending them to her. Which I am not. Because she is a psycho. An "under-the radar psycho" one of my friends called her, for on the outside she looks completely normal. But she's not.
What is the point in continuing to write when my voice has to be censored to protect my little family from unwanted intrusions? What I write loses its meaning, loses its power and loses its ability to help anyone, myself most of all.
So I wonder and I feel sick to my stomach and I'm climbing back into bed and I dont know what to do because its all fucked up and all those painful moments of 3 years ago come flooding back and I rage and I know its about to get a whole lot worse because, hello, dosage increase tomorrow.
Advice, anyone? Because I am in no way capable of thinking clearly about this.
NFI but that bites man! I don't want you to stop writing because you do it so well, I can feel your words and I want to see you start feeling better , can you password protect your blog and then people have to subscribe to it? I dunno how that would work cos I guess anyone could and that also defeats the purpose of those who could potentially benefit from your blog not being able to read it. Just thinking out loud.
ReplyDeleteWish I had your way with words :-/
The Duckster
I agree, password protect.
ReplyDeleteNew visitors have to come via references. It will massively slow down your traffic and comments, but you will still have readers and still have a bubble of freedom within which you can express yourself.
indeed. there's got to be some way to make it a protected thing lady. or could we change the name/link making it hard to find? 'the family' can sod off and mind their own freakn p's and q's buster.
ReplyDeletelove ya face. x
Ugh. I feel for you deeply. I have had this happen to me. My current blog (now in its 5th year! omg) was started because I needed to escape family stalkers who wouldn't let up reading. Under-the-radar crazy-psycho ones! Funny. Accurate description, that one! x
ReplyDeleteJust a suggestion, but did you know Wordpress has an option for you to password protect individual posts?? I did not know that until I looked into WP a couple of years back. It is the ONE feature I'd love and would move across from Blogger to WP just to have. Imagine it.......... Good luck, whatever you decide.
sorry, I worded that rather awkwardly - cos I meant to say my current blog was started because my old blog (at the time it was about 2-3yrs 'old') was being stalked. So I moved. Thinking a change of address would at least let me know if they were serious about finding me. Then I decided.... fk it! What have I got to hide? (this could be different for you, not knowing your story I can imagine any number of reasons to protect certain details or areas of your life) And anyway, that's why my blog is on its own .com which is my full name. In a way, it's a bit of a salute to the people I once tried to run away from! If they want to know everything about me so much (instead of just calling and asking) then I'll make it easy. Kinda like hiding out in the open? ;-) I feel free. I hope one day you do too xx
DeleteThat is all. Sorry for being long!
I love the idea of "hiding out in the open". Did they still stalk you?
DeleteI didn't know what to say, so I didn't comment earlier. I like what Being Me wrote, I guess you just have to be really brave and not to let the thought of her out there reading hurt you or your family.
ReplyDeleteI have someone who subscribes to my blog that used to be a friend. Turned out she was the kind of person you would rather gouge out your own eyes than spend time with and couldn't tell the truth if her life depended on it. She also continues to make snide comments in mutual groups about myself and my friends. I don't let her influence what I post in my blog because I see that as her 'winning'.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog and love your raw honesty so please don't stop writing :)