Did I say quandry?
I meant "darkest pits of hell I just want to die because nothing is safe and what is the point in continuing I feel so disgusting I wish I could scrub this off me" despair.
The blackness descends again and again and again and nothing can lift it because there is nothing left that can give me any hope.
This blog gave me hope.
And now its gone.
And I am thrown between wanting desperately to be able to write my story in complete honesty so that one day my kids will know that mamma did everything possible to be a good mamma and when she fucked it up, this is why. So that other people who are dealing everyday with the same fuckingshitsonofabitch nightmare of crazy that I deal with might have some microscopic sense of relief that they are not alone. So that when I write, what I write is on record, and I am therefore more accountable for my actions than if I wrote in seclusion. Relapse is easier if the whole intertweebs dont know about it.
(Whole intertweebs. That is, all 10 of you.)
But, you know, evil narcissistic stalker.
How can I write anything about my children knowing that the crazy bitch I want to shield my children from is reading it all? After all, if I wanted her to have updates, I would be sending them to her. Which I am not. Because she is a psycho. An "under-the radar psycho" one of my friends called her, for on the outside she looks completely normal. But she's not.
What is the point in continuing to write when my voice has to be censored to protect my little family from unwanted intrusions? What I write loses its meaning, loses its power and loses its ability to help anyone, myself most of all.
So I wonder and I feel sick to my stomach and I'm climbing back into bed and I dont know what to do because its all fucked up and all those painful moments of 3 years ago come flooding back and I rage and I know its about to get a whole lot worse because, hello, dosage increase tomorrow.
Advice, anyone? Because I am in no way capable of thinking clearly about this.