Baby Steps

Spudly remains enamoured with his current abode, so an eviction notice will be served at 3pm today. I should be having gels shoved up my clacker around 4pm and having a baby sometime after that.

I dont know how I'm feeling about any of this. I think its a million different and conflicting things that when put together just make my brain go "lalalalala not listening". That will do.

I kinda feel like I did when I went on the flying trapeze at the Fringe Festival a few years ago. I really wanted to do it to get over my terror of heights. (Well, that and I was Under The Influence of some substance or another...) Climbing up the ladder I kept talking myself into doing it but by the time I got to the top I took one look at the dude and said "I have no idea why I'm doing this." I can recall that exact feeling even now. I really felt like I was going to die. It was sheer unadulterated terror. Adam says he expects me to start screaming "I wanna get off, I wanna get off" at any moment. Probably during transition.

We had a relaxing day yesterday - went out for lunch (the Last Supper), I had a nice glass of wine, we raided the library for several weeks worth of light reading, came home and did some baking for the freezer. Banana, carrot and apple muffins. Yummy. Then we ate half the baked goods before they were cool enough to freeze. Quality Control. You understand.

I've never given a great deal of thought to the actual having a baby part of pregancy. By which I mean the "now he's here what do we do with him" bit. I've thought no end about the "Will I Ever Get Pregnant" part, and about the "Will This Pregnancy Last" part and the "Will The Baby Be Okay" part. I've even thought about the "How Is He Getting Out, Exactly?" part, though with almost no consideration of medical intervention since That Wasnt Going To Happen To Me.

Now I find myself faced with the medical intervention I didnt ever think about, and the prospect of an actual baby who will ge given to me to bring home and be responsible for. This is quite a surprise to me, since I am the Queen of Considering Every Possibility. I love contingency plans. I never wake up without one. I dont know how this managed to get past me. Possibly because I never thought that we would actually get to this point, possibly because to think about it before now would have been putting too much faith in things going right. And we know what happens when you listen to Hope. Sooner or later she turns into Princess Gina and then your life is in the toilet again.

So I've had a few freakout moments over the last 24 hours, regarding the birth and - more importantly - parenthood. Mostly because this is something that I cant be totally prepared for: there arent enough contingency plans in the world to make me feel comfortable with what is about to happen. And I dont like that. What I have to make myself do though, and this is the hardest part, is to stop looking at the big picture and focus on the here and now. This minute. Like Spudly will be doing every day, I have to learn to take baby steps.

As I leap into the void, I know I take with me the support of so many amazing women. To those of you who have followed me on this journey, offered a metaphorical shoulder to cry on, held the metaphorical punching bag, and become actual friends, Monkey Boy and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Stay tuned. The Minx will keep you updated by taking over my blog again, and she may even be able to post a piccie or two.