Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hormones Are Not My Friends

I have to bitch.

Not because I want to. In fact, I have thought a lot about posting on this, because the person concerned may read it. But post and bitch I will, because really, its not about her, its about me. And I need some feedback. I need you guys to tell me I'm not a horrible person. Only if I'm not, mind. If I am, then please let me have it.

Friend, whom I shall call Britney for the oh-so-clever "Oops I Did It Again" reference, did a drive-by "up-the-duff" announcement yesterday. Her second. Neither conceived whilst "trying". Both conceived ridiculously easily.

But wait. there's more. On the basis of peeing on a stick three times she is telling her employer this week. No hcg test. No second, third, fourth hcg test to check levels are doubling. No panic-induced ultrasound to rule out ectopic etc, only one to check dates because she doesnt know when she conceived.

Just assumes that its all normal and a pink line means in 8 months you get a baby.

Must be bloody nice.

I hate her.

Well not really hate. Okay, I hate the fact that she can get pregnant without trying and has no bloody idea how lucky she is, and I hate the unfairness of our situation in comparison and okay so I hate her.

I hate the fact that in the time its taken us to conceive Spudly, with all the tests and medication and loss of dignity and regimented sex life and loss and heartbreak we've got through, she's had one child and is now expecting another. I hate the fact that she's known for a few days and assumes she will get a baby out of this. I'm 17.5 weeks and I dont expect a baby out of it. Not really.

I also hate the fact that I feel this way. I wish I could just be happy for her. I'm fully aware that how easy or difficult it is for someone else to have kids makes no difference to my experience and outcomes whatsoever. I'm also fully aware that there are going to be people out there who will be thinking "Just shut the fuck up, you're pregnant. What the hell are you bitching about this crap for."

I'm jealous as hell that it happens so easily for some people, that they can pop out kids without even blinking, and that they can do it over and over. Since Spudly is a statistical marvel, I'm not holding out any hope for another "natural conception." Which means, as we know, once infertile, always infertile, and back to The Clinic we would have to go. More than likely, if Spudly hangs around, this will be our only child.

Its not fair and I want to pout and stamp my feet.

*pout*

*stamp stamp*


Hello hormones, my old friend,
You've come to help me kill again....

4 comments:

  1. PSSSHAW!!! You have to fantasize about concocting horrible ways of torturing the ignorant fertile before you can even THINK that you are out of line!

    Seriously... we HAVE ALL BEEEEEEEN THERE... don't beat yourself up about it. It's entirely normal... and the fact that you don't LIKE feeling that way... means you are still a loving and compassionate human being.

    (Well... until you start flinging those Canadidaian insults around... then you are an evil BITCH! Hey... our morphology might be fucked... but at least we're not the spawn of CRIMINALS! oooh... good one, eh?)

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  2. Sounds perfectly normal to me, Panda. These feelings come up, and they suck mightily, and then they subside (I hope). I'm battling very similar feelings right now regarding someone I truly truly love. Damn.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yep pretty normal to be envious of someone else's ease in the face of our troubles. I still can't look at other pregnant women yet, maybe never. It's not wrong to want the naive blissful feeling of being pregnant and not knowing all we know. It just is what it is... sucky.

    Agreed that the fact that it bothers you that it bothers you means you have a big lovely heart. You are no grinch.

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  4. Yep pretty normal to be envious of someone else's ease in the face of our troubles. I still can't look at other pregnant women yet, maybe never. It's not wrong to want the naive blissful feeling of being pregnant and not knowing all we know. It just is what it is... sucky.

    Agreed that the fact that it bothers you that it bothers you means you have a big lovely heart. You are no grinch.

    ReplyDelete

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