Monday, July 11, 2005

Where are they now?

These thoughts have been going around in my head for a long time. They sear through my body and make every cell scream. I cant articulate them verbally. I feel physically ill when I think about it. There is no way that I can make these words come out of my mouth.

Only now, almost twelve months after I conceived, can I write them.

I wrote the following as a comment on Thin Pink Line after reading Manuela's emotional story of her miscarriage. With her permission, I publish them here.

*******

When a woman has a stillbirth or a late term miscarriage, or a neonatal
death, there is a body. A physical presence, a person that they can hold, and
love, and grieve over and have a funeral/memorial service for, and bury. They
know where their child is.

Where are our children? I cant bear to think about it. I hate to think
that to others they're merely "products of conception". Goddamn it, no they
aren't. I cant bear to think about you having to place your child in the
waste bin. I cant bear to think of mine being placed down the toilet
like a goldfish.

I wish that there were some ritual that we could perform after a miscarriage,
that acknowledges the grief, the love, the importance of that child in
our lives.

I wish we knew where our babies are.

************

8 comments:

  1. So, so true Panda. My first one still haunts me as I saw what I'm 99% sure was the embryo sac in the toilet and, in shock, flushed quickly. Hard to know what else I could have done, given that I was abroad at the time, but the sentiments in your post were heartbreakingly familiar. Society doesn't really acknowledge our losses, but to us these were children-to-be for whom we already had hopes and dreams. Wish there was a way to make others understand because their lack of empathy just adds to the pain!

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  2. I've had to do a lot of work on this one and I have an unshakable belief that our babies are with God. I know that some people don't believe in God etc. but I am confident that I will see my baby again. Really emotional post.

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  3. The hospital where I went when I lost my boys holds special memorial services every month for these babies born too soon. Although we're not religious, we gained a small amount of peace attending the service. We got to light a candle, say a prayer, sprinkle some ashes in the memorial garden and say goodbye to our precious little boys.

    Without tooting my own horn, I wrote something back in May that has really helped me in respects to "where are they now" question that so many of us ask. http://dickycervix.blogspot.com/2005/05/mothers-day.html

    I believe that no matter where our babies ended up physically, spiritually, they are on the other side... growing.....laughing.....and waiting for us.

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  4. I'm as touched reading your comment again here... as I was when you posted it over on my blog.

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  5. At the time, right after my "medically necessary termination" I didn't want to know anything about the baby I would never have, I wanted to put the whole thing behind me. Over 20 years later, I still wonder, and I still grieve. He or she is always with me, and always will be.

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  6. I still grieve and wonder as well. I sometimes look at my diary and try to see what week I would have been up to ( I scribbled the count down out). The sadness is there and often catches me unawares.

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  7. cherice12:33 pm

    I can remember when I lost my little "sac" I couldn't bring myself to part with it. I put it in a little container to take to the dr for analysis and the hardest thing I have ever had to do was give it away. It was the most heartbreaking moment I've ever experienced. I vowed from that point on to share my miscarriage as often as possible with women so that they know how common this tragic event is. Let's demystify it. Let's make people push past their discomfort to face the facts that regretably 1 in 4 women miscarry.

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  8. cherice2:47 am

    I can remember when I lost my little "sac" I couldn't bring myself to part with it. I put it in a little container to take to the dr for analysis and the hardest thing I have ever had to do was give it away. It was the most heartbreaking moment I've ever experienced. I vowed from that point on to share my miscarriage as often as possible with women so that they know how common this tragic event is. Let's demystify it. Let's make people push past their discomfort to face the facts that regretably 1 in 4 women miscarry.

    ReplyDelete

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