Its late. I should be in bed, beside my glorious Monkey Boy. But there is no way this little Panda is going to sleep tonight.
Upshot of the Repromed visit:
1. Day 5 blood tests all came back fine. Normal. First time for everything. Day 5 scan - fine.
2. Monkey Boy's semen analysis - lots of swimmers, good technique, ugly as hell. Only 13% normal morphology.
With those rates, they wont even consider us for IUI.
So now, I join the ranks of the Cool Kids at the Back of the School Bus. Next stop, IVF.
My mother, O she of the ridiculous platitudes and "let nature take its course" doctrine agreed in an instant to float us the money to pay for it. As I said to M, complain all you like about how fucked up they are, but my parents are going to buy us a child. Well, in theory, anyways.
So, how do I feel? Well, I'm glad you asked.
Numb. Absolutely numb. Except for that feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I kinda recognise. I think its dread.
No, wait, I'm going to throw up.
I certainly did not expect to be told today that we had very little chance of achieving a pregnancy on our own. I dont know what I did expect to be told, but it wasnt that. I also didnt expect to be told that it wasnt all my fault. I think I expected something to show up on my test results and be given some more medication and blammo! Yes, blammo! Baby! Or at least to be told we need more tests.
So here we are. The beginning of the end of the road. The stats: in the 36-39 age group, which I join in 29 days, 37% pregnancy rate, 16% ongoing pregnancy rate. With a thawed embryo, 27% and 19% respectively.
So AT BEST, we have a 19% chance of getting a baby out of this.
Thats an 81% failure rate.
And as my brain is wont to do, I've automatically started thinking about adoption.
And I keep thinking, what about the pregnancy last year. How did we manage that? Was it a fluke? Was it an ugly sperm that fertilised an egg and then it went wrong, or was it a beautiful sperm that made it through somehow and I wasnt able to carry the pregnancy? Is it a combination of both of us, and even with IVF I'm still going to lose our babies?
It also crosses my mind that we will:
1. not be present when our children are conceived.
2. have many children held "on ice" and have to decide what to do with the extras
3. get to see our embryos before they are transferred.
Now, I get attached to day old ducklings, for chrissake. How the hell am I going to cope with seeing our babies and then losing them? Its too horrible to contemplate, but contemplate it I must.
I dont want to do this.
I want to be told - as I have expected to be all along - that I'm overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing and there's nothing wrong with either of us.
Could someone please wake me up from this and say those words.
I dont want to do this and lose our babies. Its one thing to keep trying and not achieve conception. Its another entirely to know that you have conceived (even if it was in a lab dish), that you are carrying a child, and then lose it.
I dont want to do this, but I want a child. I want a child that looks like Monkey Boy. I want to see his eyelashes and ridiculous curly hair on a baby that has my green eyes. I want to see if it will be as hyperactive as Monkey or as quiet as me (I hear the gasps - yes, I'm quiet!). Will it love the water or the soil?
Because this desire is so strong, so overwhelming, I will do this. I will do whatever it takes.
But I'm scared.