Friday, July 29, 2005

I Am A Bad Bad Panda

It didnt occur to me that when I have been cataloguing my list of fears that this could be interpreted as anything other than just that: my list of things I am absolutely terrified of being told.

It didnt occur to me that this might be interpreted as me being a whiney and ungrateful wretch.

If I had thought past myself for a minute, of course, I would have realised this. I have thought as much to myself on occasion when reading some BB threads: "Quit your fucking bitching and be grateful you can even GET pregnant."

Its the ability for people to read, react and comment that make this forum so much more special than if I were writing in my journal at home. What I write there doesnt affect anyone else . What I write here does. Even though this is my journal, with my thoughts about my life, what I say has an impact on others. Its not just me and the screen. Its me and another person. Many many times over. If I were an author, writing a book and publishing the words I publish here, I would have a far different sort of responsibility to that which I have here. As an author I wouldnt know my audience, their struggles, their pain. Here, I do.

One comment that I received today brought that home to me, and it may just be the lawyer in me, but I have to respond to it.

I dont want anyone to think for one second that I am not absolutely over the moon with joy and excitement knowing that I actually managed to conceive. Its a bloody miracle, and I know this. I know this every.single.minute of every.single.day. There are moments of exquisite pleasure in knowing that I am making another little panda. At the same time, I am scared to death that this miracle is not going to stick around. I've been down that road before and I know the pain that lies at the end of it and I will do anything - anything - to avoid going there again. Until I see a heartbeat, I have nothing to convince me that things are any different this time, not really. We could have conceived with one of the 85million ugly misshapen sperm, and we wont know until I see that heartbeat.

I am so scared, because I want this so badly, and if it fails again I dont know that I have it in me to keep trying.

I'm not going to apologise for anything that I've written here (unless, of course, my mother ever happens to read it) because these are the things that I need to write. This is my therapy, and I cant express how much I look forward to the day when I can share this with my own child, and show them how much they were wanted and loved. To that end, I'm going to keep cataloguing my fears, my paranoid moments, my twinges, my hopes, joys, my disappointments and, if it should come, my heartbreak.

This is a journey towards motherhood. So far its taken so many deviations I dont really know where we are anymore. But I am so grateful to have some rather wonderful people sharing at least part of the journey with me, keeping me sane and keeping me honest. Most importantly, keeping me honest with myself.

11 comments:

  1. Hi there,
    I read your blog regularly but I've only posted a comment once before - when you got the 2nd sperm analysis and were facing IVF. I've had 3 early pg losses with long time ttc in between and just found out this week that our first go of IVF has failed. So, in all honesty, I would be one of those women feeling slightly green-eyed at the moment at your good news. BUT - a HUGE but - I know that should I ever again get to where you are now, I will be every bit as terrified and panic stricken as you are and I seriously doubt I would be able to feel much of the joy and wonder that is pregnancy for the uncursed. So, no guilt, no apologies - acknowledge your luck, sure, but you absolutely have a right to your anxiety and to express it here. Nobody HAS to read this!

    And on the "if it doesn't work I can't go there again" front - I've got to tell you, it's astonishing what you can deal with when you want something really badly. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but in a strange way I'm stronger and more determined now than I was after my first miscarriage - either that or totally delusional ;o)

    Love and luck to you,
    Jan x

    ReplyDelete
  2. You don't have to apologise for your feelings. I totally understand why you would be freaking out. I imagine that when I eventually get pregnant, I will worry every single moment that I will lose it. I am, by nature, a reall worrier. Hope my comment wasn't the one that upset you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. To to person (or people) who said you were whiny can kiss my lilly white ass in Macy's window on Christmas! (how's that for a visual?)

    This YOUR blog where YOU can put your hopes, fears, angst, whatever. If anyone has read a few of your posts, they would know how happy you are. You are only expressing your fears. The same fears that most women have during pregnancy.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This sort of thing drives me absolutely batty. I never will be able to understand how people actually manage to feel entitled to tell others what they are supposed to write in their own blogs. When i read a post w something I disagree, a) it's either, say, I love the Lord of the RIngs don't you - and then I'm allowed to say Well no, sorry abt that, find it amazingly boring or b) it is a catharsis of sort and should it make me feel very uncomfortable, as has happened in the past, I either read and keep mum or I never visit the blog again.

    I'm sorry, I know I am not officially infertile but I will now risk the wrath of many of the BBB. Why is it that so many feel they, with usually good reason, are alienated and alone in their journey, and therefore entitled to rant abt not being able to get pg, but the one who does get pg and then miscarriages - well, she should count her blessings bcs at least SOMETHING's working! And then the ones who get and stay pg are not allowed to complain abt the bad parts of the pregnancy bcs for fuck's sake, they will have a baby! Nevermind that they feel guilty bcs they are pg, or that they sometimes can't believe it or feel joy, or that they are painfully aware that their sight may trigger some very unkind thoughts from other IFs. You're posting a baby or belly pic? Warn the world! But no need to warn the pg ladies when your posts thrashes them, no, that's entirely different. Then the ones w secondary infertility? Those shouldn't even call themselves infertiles at all, what are they complaingin abt, don't they know how many would give everything for it to be them?

    All right, this is my point. We all have unkind thoughts. We all can be bitches at times, and feel envious and bitter. Being a bicth is a good thing, it allows us to purge. So your thinking "shut up w the whining you bloody cow" is not per se a bad thing. It would be a bad thing if you truly beloieved, on a oermanent level, that these women truly are not allowed to their feelings and aches and lives - and having read you so far, I don't think this is who you are.

    Everyone who pisses on someone else's territory should just fawk off. More power to you, dahling!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jacqueline12:33 am

    Screw them Panda. Your feelings, fears and concerns are entirely valid and *especially* appropriate when expressed in your own blog.

    Don't change a thing! You represent a huge slice of women. Your comments resonate so very strongly with many of us!

    ReplyDelete
  6. You have every right to feel anxious and scared. Speaking as a person not able to conceive, I'm just fuckin' happy that one of us has won the battle-it doesn't matter whether someone can't conceive to begin with, suffers miscarriages or stillbirth, or has secondary infertility-we're all in the same proverbial boat, IMHO.

    Someone will probably get pissy at me saying that, but fuck it. There is no real difference between us, if you think about it. We all want the same thing-a healthy and beautiful child.

    And if someone has a problem with what you write, tell 'em to come on over to New Joisey-I'll get the boys and we'll take care of it....;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Don't worry miss panda you do not have the dreaded Pregnesia disease. Whine bitch complain and enjoy. You can have it all.

    It can be bitter and sweet all in the same breath and it's ok to be both.

    Hoping for you there is a heart and a beat and that your worries diminish as you hope and joy grows.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh! Oh! Oh! Let me at 'em.... let me at'em.... WHO... I ask you.... WHO had the fucking NERVE to suggest that you are in the slightest bit whiny... and WHO suggested that you should just be grateful and shut the fuck up! Because... let me tell you... they do NOT want to encounter the wrath of ME right now! OHHHH I am so angry... I agree with what your other support ho's have said here... and Lioness... RIGHT FUCKING ON, sistah!!!
    Lioness and I have touched on this subject tangentially over on my blog a while back... the fucking HYPOCRISY of women... and the utter lack of empathy towards others whose journey has evolved... heaven HELP the woman who gets pregnant first...

    I take the EXACT same viewpoint as Lioness... verbatim...

    Like I said in my comment the other day... if someone recovers from a life-threatening illness... do people chastise them for mentioning... say... that they have a headache??? Do they say, "What the FUCK are you complaining about... you WANTED to live didn't you?"

    ARRRGGGGH!!!! Can you tell this touches a nerve???

    Panda... I absolutely ADORE you... and I feel incredibly protective of you in ways I can't even explain... don't you even THINK of editing your beautiful beautiful journey... if someone gives you grief and you don't have the energy to deal with them... send them MY way....

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't apologise, I understand completely. I agree with lioness. Also if I get pregnant again I know I'll be scared of miscarrying again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This sort of thing drives me absolutely batty. I never will be able to understand how people actually manage to feel entitled to tell others what they are supposed to write in their own blogs. When i read a post w something I disagree, a) it's either, say, I love the Lord of the RIngs don't you - and then I'm allowed to say Well no, sorry abt that, find it amazingly boring or b) it is a catharsis of sort and should it make me feel very uncomfortable, as has happened in the past, I either read and keep mum or I never visit the blog again.

    I'm sorry, I know I am not officially infertile but I will now risk the wrath of many of the BBB. Why is it that so many feel they, with usually good reason, are alienated and alone in their journey, and therefore entitled to rant abt not being able to get pg, but the one who does get pg and then miscarriages - well, she should count her blessings bcs at least SOMETHING's working! And then the ones who get and stay pg are not allowed to complain abt the bad parts of the pregnancy bcs for fuck's sake, they will have a baby! Nevermind that they feel guilty bcs they are pg, or that they sometimes can't believe it or feel joy, or that they are painfully aware that their sight may trigger some very unkind thoughts from other IFs. You're posting a baby or belly pic? Warn the world! But no need to warn the pg ladies when your posts thrashes them, no, that's entirely different. Then the ones w secondary infertility? Those shouldn't even call themselves infertiles at all, what are they complaingin abt, don't they know how many would give everything for it to be them?

    All right, this is my point. We all have unkind thoughts. We all can be bitches at times, and feel envious and bitter. Being a bicth is a good thing, it allows us to purge. So your thinking "shut up w the whining you bloody cow" is not per se a bad thing. It would be a bad thing if you truly beloieved, on a oermanent level, that these women truly are not allowed to their feelings and aches and lives - and having read you so far, I don't think this is who you are.

    Everyone who pisses on someone else's territory should just fawk off. More power to you, dahling!

    ReplyDelete
  11. To to person (or people) who said you were whiny can kiss my lilly white ass in Macy's window on Christmas! (how's that for a visual?)

    This YOUR blog where YOU can put your hopes, fears, angst, whatever. If anyone has read a few of your posts, they would know how happy you are. You are only expressing your fears. The same fears that most women have during pregnancy.

    :)

    ReplyDelete

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