My blog posts are necessarily short these days because all I have with me in this hospital is a phone, and that doesnt give much scope for epic essays.
At 2pm today I have the psych teleconference at which my fate will be decided. I feel like I am being led to the gallows. They will finally realise how insane I really am and send me down to the Big House for good.
I want to barf. I want to scream, I want to bargain with the devil. Anything, so I can stay here and get better.
I ventured outside today. Its warm and sunny, birds are singing in the trees above the vineyard at the rear of the hospital. And despite all this beauty, I think of throwing myself over the edge of the hill. Or of running, running through the paddocks and off into the bush. Run run run. Run from it all.
I want to barf. I will be locked away.
I have been in the same position. It is scary and unknown. I don't know what to say to you other than, I am here and I am listening.
ReplyDeletenononononononoooooooooooooooooooooo
ReplyDeleteI know everyone's experience is different, so I am in so place to offer advice or wisdom. This helped me get through my paralyzing anxiety, though. The therapist told me that anxiety,fear, joy, love, excitement, etc. are all the same physical emotion. It's what we have named them that makes them feel different. When my anxiety would crawl up from my toes and eat at my mind, telling me I couldn't leave the house, I tried to convince myself I was happy to go to the store. I know, it's weird now, but it was magical at the time. Smiles across the ocean to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs. All I got. You're not alone.....
ReplyDeleteNo running.
ReplyDeleteTime to deal for real with some good doctors instead of smelly ones.
They will not lock you away.
Don't run...the trouble with running is that you will spend the rest of your life doing it, always looking over your shoulder. I want to do it so much but know that when I come back, everything will still be waiting for me. Even if they do lock you up...think of it as a stepping stone to your wellness and hey they have craft there ;)
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed that whatever happens has an positive outcome.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, it has all reLly gone to bloody hell. Also woth my ipad, i can't delete anything, so bear with me. The problem with running is, we take ouraelves with us. But i can relate to the feeling very much and l have never gone through anything like this. Maybe if you could feel you control a bit of your environment things would feel more bearable? You can password protect your blog and only give acess to people you absolutely trust. We can't make other people be good people but we can minimise their proximity to us, would that work for you? Higher power... You know, l have a peculiar notion of God, my God is non-interventionist, he just is, like the Empress in the Neverending Story, no distinction between good and bad. That being said, l also believe in Life, with a capital L, and l believe Life listens. I believe we can influence the universe - for instance, l can always find a parking spot regardless of where because it doesn't enter my mind that it won't be there. Therefore, it is. And l have often thought that if l could harness that faith and use it in other areas of my life, well, it boggles the mind. All this to say, the higher power doesn't have to be God, any God. It can be energy, it can be the ultimate power of love, or friemdship. I am so glad you reached out to us with your writing but you are atill denying yourself what could be important doors, because where you are now is lonely, very lonely. I have only has experience with AA from the family side. It was hard for me to go there, li too felt we are our own salvation, but then it dawned on me that saving myself sometimes depends on reaching for the right sort of others. I often cringed, mind, with the sheer americanness of it all but tThose people saved my psyche at a time when l had to cope with a bf who smoked heroine but wasn't a drug addict because he'd never shot drugs or stolen stuff, oh no! And even with their help it was horrid and hard but l am glad l took their offer of help. And by allowing them to help me, l helped them too with my strength so we all got something from it. Going to AA meetings is not a cop out or a sign of weakness. You don't have to go, of course, but going would not mean you a broken, it would mean you are willing to learn you deserve more than what you have been having so far. You are the higher power in a sense, in the sense that we all ultimately are, but we a only as good as the people who surround us, they too a the higher power, and l worry that your refusal is that Sharony stubbornness brought on by your always having had to cope with the world, the bad world, on your own. For most of your life you were badly loved but now you are well loved, by us, by me, and with much love li tell you, avail yourself of all resources at your disposal, you cannot have enoiugh people having your back. We a our own salvation but so very often we don't know where it's coming from. Just don't close any doors. Oh, and feel free to tell me to fuck off. I won't but l won't mind, l needed to say this and you know, even if l have aggravated you, that it's only because l very much care.
ReplyDeletehow did everything go? I hope the best for you!
ReplyDelete~Lisha
Thinking of you babe. Hope you can post again soon.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes with you.
ReplyDeleteHi. Haven't read your stuff before, but identify much too closely with what you've written.
ReplyDeleteMe:Too much to say. Like to give you a big "understanding" hug, even if I got slapped, but the tix cost too much from here. Medically supervised visits almost always SUCK. (And I know...that word doesn't even touch it.) Kids (and life) stretch us in more ways than we ever wanted them to.
Thot:No God? Life can't improve if we exit voluntarily. God? He can remove pain or help us through. Either way, doesn't make sense to consider it as more than just a passing idea. If not, I'd have left many times before - and yes, I've felt the "need" myself, so here's a squeeze from me!!!
( 1 ) ...you're the "1" in the middle.
Docs:Participate with the quacks and shrinks as much as possible...in their desire to help, they're only doing what they've been trained to do. Don't tell them too much, hmmmm? Just enough to keep them happy. Sometimes they help, sometimes we enjoy them MUCH better after we've escaped from their immediate grasp! Hate 'em or love 'em: not going away voluntarily.
Had tears, I'd cry right now, but my meds won't let me. (Rarely happy, often upset, usually almost stable.)
~em
Just don't give up, never give up, everything can turn out to be good, it always can! Just believe!
ReplyDelete