Loottts and lots.
Surely somewhere along the way I have picked up some useful information and some of that information could be applied to my current detox hell, AND some of that information might actually have been retained in my alcohol-soaked and drug-addled brain.
Surely?
So I have a notebook and a packet of textas thanks to BFF visit. And a couch to sit on, as you saw earlier, which I find essential to the whole therapy process.
An hour and a half sitting on the couch sure did release a lot of crap out of my brain.
Shit.
Why do Anglos always have lovely handwriting? It's ridiculous how pretty yours is!
ReplyDeleteWell, you think you aren't worthy, there's a shocker! I'd say a look back to the major events in your life shows exactly that, that's your pattern, that's how you've attracted all those worthy men that so cherish and protect you... (I identified mine too and after 4 very long and perplexing years I managed to change it. Long story. Skype, some day?? Are you at all able to? You can unload all you want!)
Sorry to have to tell you but your children already love you unconditionally. And you have really good friends. Now, I realise that's your emotional self talking but surely (SURELY?) your intellectual one realises we can't all be daft and misguided when it comes to you - and mind, WE are fab! So if we're fab, highly not stupid and adore you, that means we think you're fab too - and so worth it.
I would expect most of it started in childhood, I've read the stories. So it's not just a matter of overcoming an addiction to alcohol, it's also a matter of overcoming an addiction to the abuse you feel you deserve and, consequently, keep finding. Behavioural therapy, babes, you need to change your behavioural premises or all bloody hell will keep on happening.
So take out your notebook and write down all the reasons you think WE may love you, surely (SURELY?) you'll come up with something.
Know the "I don't feel worthy" feeling intimately. Everyone can tell you how worthy you are yet it still doesn't resonate within. We are worthy, of loving ourselves. It's a step, a single one, in the direction of finding that person inside who cherishes you. May you find her. She's there, have hope. <3
ReplyDeleteGood. I'm starting to think this non-therapy detox isn't a total waste, because you're detoxing your mind. I hope you can get into a place that will run with what you've started.
ReplyDeleteAnd you ARE worthy of love. Who dared tell you, once upon a time many years ago, that you weren't?
rock those notebooks girlie. i, too, have many squandered away. i might pull them out when I'm 50 cause I'd be too scared to re-read them! get it out, remember to exhale - loudly if you like. love you. xx
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