Tuesday, July 26, 2011


A wonderful friend of mine has been here this week helping me out.

She asked Felix if he thought mummy had changed at all since coming home from hospital.

I immediately stopped what I was doing because it had never occurred to me to ask him, and I desperately wanted to hear what the answer was.

Thank god he chose the correct answer and agreed I was less grouchy and more relaxed. Possibly he thought his pocket money depended on the answer he gave.

For a while I haven't felt any better, any different at all. Just weird, uncomfortable, out of place.

People tell me I look great.  That's nice to hear.

I look in the mirror and my skin looks clearer, less muddied.  That's nice to see.

I hang out with my kids and play board games.  I wouldn't have done that before. Board games? Are you kidding me?  I do stuff in the garden; just weeding but weeding is my zen, my state of peace. There is nothing but me and the weed and the dirt and the sun on my back or the wind in my hair.
Gettin' my zen on. Image from here

I do these things and I realise I am getting better.   That is rather wonderful to feel.

I am 50 days sober today.

That is freakin' awesome to know.


  1. VERY proud of you. Keep up the good work.

  2. Thanks so much Francie. Love your kitty pic, it looks just like mine :)

  3. Oh I'm so happy, MAZEL TOV!!! You, dahling, are a bloody warrior, I expect nothing less from you, of course, but I'm still delighted! Fifty days, God, well done! I'm sorry I've been away, I just moved and flat needs to be sorted out before our holiday starts on Friday, but this is a wonderful post to come back to! I'm not exactly sure how to phrase this but I'll give it a whirl, my antennae say you'll feel weird and dissociated for a while still but that's on the inside, and because things are brewing, and in the right direction, people's perception of you (plus, clearer skin, yey!) will change because, amidst the weirdness and dissociation, you're able to connect more only you can't really notice it so much due to the chattering tamarins in your head. Though, board games! The tamarins are tiring, the little buggers! Yey for that too! (Too long of a paragraph but I hope I somehow made sense.)
    And the weeding makes perfect sense to me, I don't have a vase to plot, let alone a garden, but I've always thought that being knees down in the ground is bound to do great, cleansing things to one's psyche. We all need sanctuary. Weed with might!

  4. Congratulations! Isn't it lovely how normality is so normal? I love it when I catch myself enjoying the normal everyday things....

    If I ever catch myself playing board games with the kids - I will know that I am healed for good....

    Btw, you just stole the title from a post that's been in my head for a few days... ;)

    Oh, well, will just have to write something else, when my head stops aching...

  5. @Lioness, darling you say the most amazing things! Chattering Tamarins! Weed with might! I will forever think of my head as full of little Cotton Tops baring their teeth and bouncing from one myelin sheath to another.

    @Dorothy, sorry I got to the title first. Proof of the 1000 monkeys with 1000 typewriters...


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