Today is the 1st anniversary of my foray into the world of blogging, and I feel it behooves me to mark it in some way.
Possibly by finding a way in which to use the word "behooves".
I've been reading through my first posts here, and am struck by a couple of things:
1. I am disgusted by the fact that I was using terminology such as "BD", "AF" and "CM" rather than just writing normal everyday words like "shagging", "period" and "cervical mucous". UGH. Its just too cringe-worthy. Of course, I had not yet come across the term "crimson bitch". I had to read Mollywogger for that one. At least I didnt sprinkle goddamn babydust anywhere.
2. I was sooooo hyper-stressed. I have a tendency to forget the exact emotional state I was in for a given experience and often minimise it to myself, most likely as a protective measure. Reading back what was going through my head and just the tone of those posts when I realised that we were officially infertile, it is obvious to me just how much on a knife edge I was all the time. No bloody wonder I ended up on Prozac.
From this exercise in revisiting the past I can really appreciate how far I've come, how much my snark-factor has increased, how much I've learned about myself and the enormity of the experience of trying so desperately to start our family. In twelve months I have morphed into another person, completely unrecognisable from the scared, angry, frustrated and very lonely Panda that reached out to the world in an attempt to find someone to tell her that she wasnt alone in all this crap. The intensity of emotional pain I felt then is astonishing. That I survived the experience with my sanity and my marriage intact is also astonishing.
The most astonishing thing of all is that the pain has been replaced by an equally intense feeling of love and peace. I doubt I could say that I'd go through it all again, but if the only way to get to this point in my life where I feel at ease with myself, happy with who I am and have finally found what it is I'm supposed to do with my life, then every minute of the last year was worth it.