Thursday, September 08, 2005

This is why I take Prozac, right?

I am somewhat relieved to read today that I am not the only one having Dead Baby Thoughts. Somehow, to my mind, this makes it less likely that there is actually a dead baby, and more likely that I am just neurotic and paranoid.

However, my brain is not content to just accept this theory. Oh no! I read elsewhere, in comments in blogania, about antiphospholipid (did I even get that right?) antibodies causing miscarriages at any stage of pregnancy even when a heartbeat is seen, and immediately worry that I havent been tested for this APA dealy, and worry that I cant find all my test reuslts.

I am so fucked.

No, really, I am.

I also dreamt this morning that I went to the hospital for the NT scan and was given a drug to make me go into labour because I 'd had a missed miscarraige. Not only that, but my three brothers were all there (2 of whom are dead) and I was screaming at them that they'd never been there to support me before and they could fuck off and as far as I was concerned I didnt have any brothers, AND my ex, Fuckhead, was also there wanting to see Spudly and I had to get security to keep him away from me.

I envy people who dont rremember their dreams. I always remember mine. In full technicolour, with all senses working. Sometimes this is not a Good Thing.

As Monkey Boy said at 5am when I woke up out of this nightmare: "Fluffy bunnies, fluffy bunnies. Jumping kittens."


  1. Oh, darlin'... picture me with one arm around your shoulder and the other handing you a shot of de-alcolized Tequila...

    The DBT's are an unavoidable evil to us infertiles... don't beat yourself up about it...

    Continuing to love all THREE of you!

  2. Might I add... small adorable chicks, beautiful butterflies and warm puppies. Lots of warm puppies.

  3. I remember most of my dreams and if I wake up, as soon as I go back to sleep, the same dream will continue. Like a Soapie.

  4. Oh, Panda, now I feel guilty about contributing to your DBTs with my APA essay. You need that like a hole in the head. I'm sending you good and supportive and healthy thoughts, and wishing you nothing but good dreams. And will it help to know I have the same shoe size as you?


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