Why I Hate The Telephone

Mother: We have a bit of a problem.
Panda: what?
M: The poplar tree in the corner of the garden has fallen down onto our fence and most of it is in the neighbour's garden.
P: Oh dear.
M: Can Monkey Boy come and cut it up for us?
P: Well, Monkey Boy has a busted shoulder. Surely the council has someone who could get rid of it for you?
M: Ooooh, I dont know....blah blah blah.
P: How's your hip?
M: Not good. I was trying to vacuum last week, hanging on to the walking frame and dragging the cleaner around a bit, and I tripped and fell and twisted my knee. So I havent been able to get to the doctors to get another script for my blood pressure medication, but its okay, because I've been cutting them in half so I dont run out.

P, off the phone, to Monkey: My mother is fucked.
Monkey: Your mother is retarded.

Next Day:

M: The council cant help, but they have a list of contractors who will do the work and we 'll get a $100 discount for being Aged Pensioners.
P: that's good.
M: But we dont know how much it will be. $100 off what??? Cant Monkey Boy come and do it? (whining) I'll pay him for his trouble.
P: Monkey Boy has a busted shoulder and I'm not about to ask him do something that's going to make it worse if you can get a professional to do it for you.
M: wah wah wah wah wah. Well, I'll ask C (neighbourhood acquaintance) and S (neighbour in whose yard tree now is) and if there are no offers there I'll get a contractor to quote. When are you coming to take dad to his appointment?

P: (thinks to herself) Yes, I'm fine thanks Mother, apart from the exhaustion and the nausea and the headaches and the profound lack of desire to go anywhere and do anything, and yes, your grandchild is still alive and is doing quite well, thanks for not asking. Anymore of your problems you feel like dumping on me now that you've woken me up?

Monkey: You know, any right-thinking judge would find grounds for Provocation...