Living in the Land of Make-Believe

I sat here at the 'puter last night trying to think of witty things to say, and came up with absolutely nothin. My brain has seemingly lost all the useful - and even trivial - bits of knowledge it previoulsy had. I'm wondering if this is a permanent change? Have I lost the ability to engage in adult conversation already? Did I even have that ability before? Am I waffling?

Told the Olds yesterday. Got the reaction I expected. Dad would have forgotten 2 minutes after I told him, and mum just had to say "I told you so", followed not long after (when I was commenting on my nausea) "Well you wanted to get pregnant!"

What I wanted to say was: "Yes, thats right. You have no idea how much I wanted this. I am not complaining about the nausea, I am merely commenting upon the fact that its really tiring to feel queasy constantly. If only I could throw my guts up and then feel better , that'd be rather nice. I am not for one minute wishing away this sickness. I am so grateful to be experiencing it. It means that for now I am still pregnant."

I said nothing, of course.

Cant be rude when she's just agreed to let us have the money she was giving us for the IVF anyway so we can actually finish our bathroom, and get the current study re-floored so we have somewhere to put her grandchild.

Assuming such a thing actually appears, of course. We've started looking through the baby names books again, and part of me thinks this is a good idea and the other feels like its all just pretend. I am continually checking to see if I'm bleeding yet. When my shoulder hurts (from poor mouse-arm positioning) I immediatley think its shoulder tip pain. When I get a crampy pain I think I'm miscarrying. When I get a stabbing ovulation type pain over my right ovary I think I have an ectopic pregnancy. When I think about how quickly the HCG level increased, I think I have a molar pregnancy. Every morning, I wake up, check I'm not covered in blood, and say to the Monkey "Guess what? Still pregnant!"

In order to alleviate further increases to my anxiety levels, I am going to request a 6week scan when we see our GP next Tuesday. And possibly another HCG. There is no way on this earth that I am going to stay sane if I have to wait another two weeks before they check anything.

For now, though, we get to keep pretending like we're going to have a baby in 8 months. We're going on a hospital tour tomorrow morning, to see if I'm willing to let this mob anywhere near my body when another human is trying to make its way out. I want a home birth but apparently thats not such a good idea when you live 45km from the nearest hospital. With my track record, its not like I can just assume that nothing will go wrong either.

There you have it: oscillating between happy and terrified. No wonder my brain not work so good.