And also

Just look at how clever I am! Go on, I'll wait.  Yes, see! Cle.ver at figuring out how to use my Android phone as a tethered 3G modem for my laptop 'puter. Figured it out all by myself I did.

Take THAT nerds!!!  Oh crap. If I did it that, ikso fatso, makes me a nerd too.

Hospitality

Day 1 of detox started fine this morning, dropping the kids off to their respective institutions.  Fine fine fine until it was my turn to see the doctor and then I completely lost my shit. Which was, in fact, a good thing so there was no doubt about me getting admitted for being nuts.

I met a male nurse in emergency whose favourite comic song ever he found on YouTube recently. It was The Only Gay Eskimo, by Corky and the Juice Pigs. Who happened to contain my friend Phil. Small world, etc etc, today filled with singing of Gay Eskimos.  Who needed the Lorazepam that came immediately after?

 

Well me because soon I wasn't shaking with anxiety, but falling sideways on the gurney into lalaland.  That's OK.  Lalala is OK, when you are in a supported environment.

So far, a whole day in hospital and not a great deal has happened. A lot of lying on my bed, playing with my phone. Taking pills. Feeling lonely for a bit. The kids came in and had a visit long enough for me to read them a long story, and for Ella to tell me she wanted me to come home, Felix to get bored and to want to leave and for me to be glad that for a while I am away from the two precious creatures I need the most.

There are two old buggers in the room next door who clearly have been sharing for too long and are over each other, which provides some amusement. Apart from that Day 1 of Detox is all a bit...well...boring.

Cant even get something decent to get me to sleep. What is the point in this if I cant bloody sleep?

Come on Day 2. Show me something better! Let's get challenging.

Day 2:  More pills. An exciting*  *actually in no way exciting chat with Mental Health Team said done an amazing job, have incredible insight and strength yadda yadda. She has to report abuse to children mentioned in conversations to Families SA. Great. Adam needs to work on his anger management issues (NOOOOOO???) and we need to have family therapy with Felix. Ohhh. Well. Just...fan...tastic.

Social Worker who said she would definitely be back today at 12pm. We have seen no sight of her today and she has been given Orders, yes Orders by the senior nurse to get her arse up to me pronto in the a.m.

Doctor happy. That's nice for him. I am mostly bored, flicking through magazines and chatting to my neighbour in the room and watching her tv. Walked for a short walk to the meeting with the Mental Health Team and ended up almost on the floor. Walking round corners on the drugs not so good. Definitely lalalalalaboomph.

Ohhhhh Squeeeeee: Pretty sunset!!

Felix is on Yellow Circles Reading Level, so had to go to Mrs B's room to get the next level up (i.e. from year level 1) which is a big HUZZAH for him and his hard work and cleverness and all round brilliantness.

 

Realise Your Future

 Today I have made several important realisations:

Being in friendly company is waayyy better for my mental health than being left to mope around at home.

That the increase in my Pain & Brain meds since last Thursday has in fact made a huge difference already, and not just in the "lalalaboomph" department.

That my kids are far more tuned-in to how mummy is traveling than I gave them credit for.

That Temazepam does shit for getting me to sleep.

That I have triggers for wanting a drink and the worst trigger is my living room, which is not surprising since this is where I would do 99% of my drinking. I haven't been able to spend an evening in there with the kids since I stopped.

That there are people that I have only known for a few weeks, or haven't seen in 6 months, or 25 years, or have NEVER MET because they are my internet crew who have been with me since the Infertility Days, that are capable of voicing their support and their belief in me and their love in such a way that I can physically feel it, and it wraps around me like the softest purple minky blanket with unicorns on it you've ever seen. I am safely cocooned and buoyed on an ocean of love and belief.

That there is one person, the one who most of all should make me feel this way, who has not offered one word of comfort or congratulations in making it this far.


That today was better than yesterday.

That I have been sober for 15 days.

That I have started maybe thinking about considering contacting AA. But only to get their medals. Would I get one for 15 days?

 Peace,

Hello Blog, My Old Friend

Nice to see you, though I must say you're looking a little tired these days. A little too...Early Oughts. And far to focused on babies. Whats that about? Move on! Contemporise!

Yes, a makeover is called for. No, don't take offense. You just need a little something to help your inner beauty shine through. Attract some new people into your life.

No, there was nothing wrong with the old people. But do you see any of them around here? They've gone done other things while you just sat here, all purple and full of baby pictures and not saying anything. Cant blame them, really. (I know you were busy falling apart. Look, can we talk about that later?)

Yes I know, I know, mad as hell and just want to yell it to the world. Can it wait? Just until you've at least fixed your colours? They really dont suit you anymore. Nothing worse than someone doing the ugly crying when they are wearing the completely wrong makeup. No need to look worse than you have to, I say.

Ok then. What? Yes you can bitch on Twitter in the meantime.